


Guide Me Home, Old Scatterbrain

by Thatmalu



Series: amputee!YA Eddie [1]
Category: IT (1990), IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Chronic Illness, Comfort Sex, Eddie Kaspbrak Cries A Lot, Eddie Kaspbrak Loves Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak Needs A Hug, Eddie Kaspbrak is a Mess, Emotional Manipulation, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Established Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, Homophobia, Homophobic Sonia Kaspbrak, Implied/Referenced Incest, Kinda, M/M, Munchausen by proxy, Murder Mystery, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Sick Character, Sonia Kaspbrak Being Terrible, Sonia Kaspbrak's A+ Parenting, Vomiting, Whump, incestual attraction, non-explicit mutilation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-02
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 21:13:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 22,358
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26255455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thatmalu/pseuds/Thatmalu
Summary: Written for the Labor Day Book Quote ChallengeQuote: It was better for a child - particularly a delicate child like Eddie - think he was sick than to really get sick.******
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Series: amputee!YA Eddie [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2074806
Comments: 12
Kudos: 99
Collections: Labor Day Book Quote Challenge (2020)





	Guide Me Home, Old Scatterbrain

**Author's Note:**

> A huge thank you to the wonderful Bimmy (@bimmyshrug) and Chris (@richieblows) for bringing this group together!  
> Please heed tags as a general warning. 
> 
> Title comes from Wolf at the Door by Keane.
> 
> **spoilery & non spoiler smut/other sexual specifics if needed: implied anal, fingering, licking, kissing, dry humping of books, nonsexual touching, creepy as shit Sonia**  
> **all incest tags are for attraction not action**  
> ((still horrible))

Two nights before his eighteenth birthday, Eddie received the greatest gift he could have possibly hoped for. At first, it seemed odd that all but one of his friends bailed early, especially since it was Halloween of all nights, with a full moon hanging bright in the sky. They had all resigned to Richie’s living room to watch horror movies and by 8 PM, Eddie was the last one left. Eddie felt his spine tingle when Richie leaned into him, lightly nudging him and whispering softly to come upstairs and sneak onto the roof out his bathroom window. Suspicious but complying, figuring that Richie just wanted a cigarette, Eddie followed him up and carefully sat himself down on the shingles as Richie placed a small wrapped package in his lap.

“What the hell is this?”

“The purpose of wrapping a gift is the surprise, Eds.”

“Don’t call me that,” Eddie said absently, carefully breaking the tape as to preserve as much of the wrapping as possible, as it was a nice color and faintly smelled like Richie’s cheap cologne. Once he was finished, he was left staring at a plain little block of wood. “Uh, thanks, Rich. Is this some kind of joke about giving my mom your wood or something?”

Richie leaned closer, gently flipping the wood over to reveal a small, faded carving on the other side: R + E. Confusion was soon replaced with understanding as Eddie realized this was part of the Kissing Bridge, which had recently been under construction after someone from their class had driven drunk through the railings. At some point, Richie must have gone back and grabbed this, and Eddie could see that it had at one point split down the middle and was now glued firmly together, all the harsh edges sanded off neatly.

After staring at it in awe for what seemed like forever, Eddie realized Richie was still leaning so closely that he could feel his breath on his cheek. Slowly, he looked up to Richie’s eyes, soft and meaningful behind his thick-framed glasses, the light from the full moon reflecting brightly against the glass. Just as it all clicked, Eddie took the final plunge, Richie’s hand cupping his cheek softly as he finally ( _ finally! _ ) kissed him. 

Years of shame, guilt, and longing washed away in a heartbeat as Eddie wrapped his arms around Richie’s waist, his heart all warmth and sunlight in the cold night. As he let his leg turn over towards Richie on instinct, trying to move his body closer, he felt the small piece of wood slide off of his lap and down the roof. Richie popped off of him with a small smack of their lips.

“Shit!” Richie exclaimed, diving down to grab the present just as it was about to slide off the edge. Eddie reacted quickly and grabbed Richie’s ankle to stop him from possibly going down with the damn thing.

“Sorry!” Eddie shouted. 

“Totally worth it,” Richie grinned, his head and most of his torso still partially dangling from his roof. “If I had to pick a way to go, this would be it.”

“Get up here you shithead.”

Eddie reached down so Richie could grab his other hand, pulling him up only for Richie to purposefully fall over Eddie and pin him down to keep making out on the roof right there under the night sky. All annoyance from his friends leaving, all worries that he would never find love the way he wanted, dissipated to near completion. 

Later, Eddie would tease Bill about spilling his secret to Stanley, only to thank them for making it possible for two idiots to realize they loved each other after Stanley shared the good news to Richie that his feelings were, indeed, reciprocated. Richie shamelessly bragged about giving Eddie his wood on the roof. Eddie couldn’t help but blush and smirk at the fresh memory of Richie’s hot breath on his neck, and literally seeing stars above him when Richie whispered I love you for the first time. He simply shushed Richie and left that tidbit for himself.

With this huge weight lifted from his chest, Eddie felt lighter than air. The rest of his senior year was starting to pass by in a breeze. School days were faster, people seemed kinder, and he now had this beautiful, wonderful secret that would sneak off into the night with him to make out by the lake and hold hands in the dark. Even his confidence was soaring, and Eddie found it within himself to try out for the track team before the season started in March. Yeah, it was senior year, but he didn’t want a scholarship or anything; he just loved the way the wind felt in his hair and how his legs felt like they could take him anywhere, dreaming that they’d run day one from Sonia. Plus, the idea of Richie cheering him on with obnoxious signs from the bleachers made Eddie’s heart swell with pride.

Eddie started coming up with an elaborate plan so he and Richie could have a romantic place after prom for them to have sex for the first time. All of that went out the window when Sonia called Eddie from the DMV in the middle of Eddie’s winter break, just after New Year’s, letting him know that she wouldn’t be home for several hours. Immediately after Eddie hung up, he was already taking his shirt off as he tripped running up the stairs to where Richie was laying in his bed, reading a comic book before Eddie pounced on him. 

Sex seemed a lot less scary once he finally had it, and Eddie soon felt brave enough to initiate it even in the riskiest of times. No matter what or where, Richie always made it fun and amazing. Eddie couldn’t imagine being with a better person and it made him all the more excited to accept his upcoming independence to start a new life with Richie in New York.

It only seemed fitting to Eddie that once he had finally reached pure elation in his life that everything would start to unravel.

“I don’t understand…” Richie said softly through the phone. “How are you still sick? You said you were getting better.”

“I dunno,” Eddie mumbled miserably. His temperature was spiking again, after three days of seeming to diminish. “I’m already kicked off track, I’m falling behind on so much school work…”  _ And I miss you _ , he wanted to say but wasn’t sure how close his mother was to where he sat in the kitchen. 

“The least your mom can do is let me bring you our lit and physics assignments. You don’t have anyone else in those classes.”

“She already has Taylor Gilbert bringing it here after school. She goes to our church.”

“For fucks sake…”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

“Not your fault. It just… I don’t know. I don’t want to sound like your mom, but do you need to go to the hospital?”

“Surprisingly, she hasn’t even brought up the hospital. Maybe since I’m eighteen now…”

“Bullshit,” Richie interrupted. “She’d still drag your ass there in a heartbeat. She probably loves all the attention she can give you at home lately.”

Something unsettled in Eddie’s stomach at Richie’s comment, but he simply chalked it up to being nauseous again. He had thrown up thrice since waking and Richie hadn’t even left for school yet.

“Listen, we’ll find a way to see each other, ok? I promise.” Eddie tapped the phone on the mouthpiece three times, a signal he used if he ever couldn’t risk his mom hearing him say what would damn him forever in her house.

“I love you, too,” Richie replied softly with understanding. “I’ll see you soon, Eds.”

“Bye, Rich.”

The silence was deafening after Eddie hung up, clutching his stomach as it churned uncomfortably. He was literally sick of being sick. His health had been off since right after Richie’s birthday in March, and almost two months out he had now disappointed his track coach and was missing school regularly. His body was starting to feel like it was withering away as he lost muscle mass that he had spent so much time and effort building. It figured that Eddie only had a body he was proud of for several months before it was taken because of this dreaded illness that plagued him. 

Truthfully, he was terrified of the hospital, and not for reasons he usually was. Growing up, he had gotten used to the constant visits to the emergency room, but it usually brought him comfort to get a diagnosis and have an understanding of why he wasn’t feeling well. Should nothing actually be wrong with him, it was still satisfying to watch his mother argue with the doctors telling her to (as politely as they could) fuck off. For some reason, though, Eddie was afraid to go to the hospital now because he had been thinking about his father a lot lately.

Most memories of his father were fuzzy at this point, if not possibly made up in Eddie’s head. The clearest memories came in bright colors of model cars his dad had collected. Eddie could still vividly remember sitting in the crook of his dad's arm at the hospital, holding a small, hot-red ’55 Chevy Bel Air that he had brought to cheer his dad up. Red was his favorite color, Eddie thinks; he always picked out the red cars for his collection and the red shirts from his closet. Eddie thinks maybe that’s why it’s his favorite, too. Seeing his father at the hospital, though, was often too much for small Eddie, being extremely upset by how Daddy didn’t quite look right, all sickly and meek. 

If not for the small, happy moments with his dad’s cars, Eddie might only have had memories of him being ill.

Shortly after Frank Kaspbrak passed, Eddie found himself in the hospital with pneumonia, sitting in there alone with the nurses while his mother tended to his father’s funeral services. After Eddie missed the funeral, he missed trick’r treating, and then his birthday. Not that he had anyone but Bill to hang out with back then, anyway. His mother told him the best gift would be to get better, which he eventually did. Sonia became increasingly overprotective and paranoid about Eddie’s health, claiming it was always what was best for him, lest he end up like his father. 

Eddie knew that his dad was a soccer player in high school from pictures he had seen in old photo albums, so when his dentist mentioned volunteering for elementary level soccer over the summer to help coach his daughter, Eddie figured he could give it a try. When he lied about his whereabouts to play soccer with Bill, Sonia made damn sure the volunteer parents coaching the team got a piece of her mind for ‘ _ doing this _ ’ to her poor son. And yeah, maybe a small part of Eddie only wanted to play soccer because he thought Dr. Tozier was the best looking man he’d ever seen and fought savagely for his attention out on the field, but some small part of him wanted to keep his father honored in some way, too. 

At least Dr. Tozier got to introduce Eddie to his son when he saw how disappointed Eddie was in leaving.

“He’s always playing video games at the arcade. Can’t get hurt playing video games, can ya? Your mom might be ok with that.”

Without soccer being an option to honor his dad's memory, it soon became Eddie’s dream to build a red soapbox racer and take it to Bangor and win an all-expenses paid trip to Akron, Ohio for the National Soapbox Derby. He wanted to make his father proud of him, thinking maybe he would be smiling down at him from heaven. Eddie may have given up the idea of God after the evil clown summer of ’89, but he still hoped that his father was somewhere and wherever that was, Eddie hoped his dad was happy.

Surely it wouldn’t be anything like living with Sonia.

“Eddie, why are you up?” Sonia’s harsh voice came from where she was exiting the downstairs restroom.

“I was just letting my friends know I’ll be out sick again, ma,” Eddie replied, slowly sauntering out of the kitchen, feeling almost drunk after he stood up. He might even vomit again, wondering why he even bothered brushing his teeth a third time, and he hoped he could at least make it up the stairs to the bathroom away from his mother before he did so. He couldn’t stand when she attempted to comfort him through the sickness.

“They should know not to bother you until you’re back,” she scoffed. “Eddie, come here and lay on the couch.”

“I want to go to bed.”

“Eddie, don’t you think it's best you stay with me?”

Eddie groaned as quietly as he could. “Ma, please. I just want to be in my bed.”

“Eddie,” she warned just as his foot creaked the first step.

Just like that, Eddie knew he’d either have to lay on the couch or deal with his mother in his bedroom attending him like a nurse. More often than not, he spent his sick days on the couch, wanting to reserve his bedroom for his alone time. The only thing better than being alone was being with Richie, who somehow, in all of his exuberance, managed to make introverted Eddie feel just as safe and comfortable as he did being in just his own company.

The nausea in his stomach seemed to worsen as Sonia stroked Eddie’s hair on the couch. Somehow, he had managed to convince her to give him a pillow so he didn’t have to put his head in her lap. It was reminiscent of being a small child and feeling her dote unnecessarily on him. Many sick days were spent in the bath, with his mother there by his side, stroking his back and talking about how the water would cool his fever down. A lot of these memories seemed distant until Eddie started getting sick again this last couple of months, and realized that she still very much would likely sit beside him in the bathtub if he didn’t know any better. 

“Who on earth could that be?” Sonia huffed as the phone rang. 

Eddie stretched out and tried to enjoy the extra space on the couch for as long as he could, not really paying attention to his mother’s conversation until he heard her stomp her foot in the kitchen.

“Unbelievable. And they don’t need - I see. I’ll come by right away.”

The phone slammed shut and his mother came out in a huff, shoving her shoes on.

“Where’s the fire?” Eddie grumbled, watching her fumble for her keys in a hurry.

“Don’t be smart,” she snapped at him. “I’ll be right back. Apparently, Dr. Walters had sent over a prescription that wasn’t authorized properly and it’s just been  _ sitting _ at Keane’s for three days.”

“Can I come?” Eddie asked hopefully, just wanting to feel the sunshine, even if it meant just standing on the sidewalk like a statue and soaking up the heat while his mother bothered the pharmacist.

“Don’t be ridiculous, you’re sick! If you can go to the store, you can go to school, which you can’t!” She shuffled over and planted a gross, wet kiss on his forehead. “I’ll be right back. Do not do anything while I’m gone, Eddie. You’re too weak to be moving around.”

“Where am I supposed to throw up if I get sick?” he asked, probably too snarky since she shoved the wastebin over to the couch with her foot.

“No moving, Eddie!”

With a slam of the door, his mother was gone and Eddie sighed in relief that, if he couldn’t go outside, he could at least have some privacy. He rolled over onto his side and flipped the channel so that he could at least watch something more interesting than his mother’s soaps. His stomach was actually starting to feel better, so Eddie got up to brush his teeth again to get his breakfast off of his breath, just when he heard calamity upstairs.

“What the hell…” he muttered, cautiously walking towards the stairs to see if he could peer up and see what was going on. He debated grabbing something heavy to swing as he rounded the corner to look up to the second floor when his gigantic boyfriend slid down the railing and caused Eddie to yelp.

“Richie, what are you doing?” Eddie exclaimed, half-laughing, in shock.

“I’ve come to rescue my damsel in distress!” Richie remarked, throwing up an invisible sword before chucking a pile of what looked like mail onto the coffee table and stepping forward to scoop Eddie up like a bride carried over a threshold.

“Rich, put me down before I throw up!”

“Relax, my little love.”

Surprisingly, he gently placed Eddie back to lie down on the couch and crawled over him, practically folded in half as he straddled Eddie’s lap, leaning forward to stroke Eddie’s face. It was a relief so strong, Eddie felt his actual symptoms from illness dissipate looking up at Richie’s pale, beautiful face smiling down at him softly.

“Why are you sneaking through my window? My mom can be back any minute,” Eddie whispered ruefully, reaching up to fix Richie’s glasses that sat slightly crooked because Richie never got them fixed. So stupid. So cute.

“Not to worry; that’s all taken care of.”

“What – what do you mean?”

“’ _ Mrs. Kaspbrak, your insurance needs your authorization on these special medications, we need you to come in right away!’ _ ” Richie laughed in a near-perfect impersonation of Mr. Keane. For someone who sucked at impressions for so long, it was astounding how good he had gotten since puberty hit.

“I can’t believe you,” Eddie breathed, unable to stop the smile spreading on his face. “She’s going to be so pissed, Richie. She’ll come right back.”

“Ah, but you seem to forget what a sheer evil genius I am. For at this very moment, the beautiful and brave Beverly Marsh is waiting to crash Darla in the back of your mother’s car where she’ll be parked in front of the pharmacy.”

“Wait, what?!” Eddie’s heart jumped in his chest. “Richie, you – you’re letting Bev crash your fucking car? Richie, I told you I just have to fix the power steering - ”

“She’s far too gone now, my love. It’ll be an honorable death for the ole’ gal,” Richie sighed. “She’s finally shit the bed, and this is for a good cause. Bev is happy to do it, and I get to see you for the first time in weeks.”

Eddie quickly pulled the blanket from the top of the couch down to cover his face. “I might be contagious.”

“I doubt it,” Richie said, trying to yank the blanket away.

“I have egg breath.”

“Well, jokes on you; I have a fetish for bad egg breath.”

Finally giving up, Eddie allowed Richie to pull the blanket away and sank his tongue into Eddie's mouth almost immediately. God, did Eddie miss the warmth of him, how his body towered over him and made him feel safe and small without being smothered. After a few minutes, Eddie wasn’t sure if his fever was spiking or if it was just Richie getting him heated.

“I brought some lube, you know,” Richie said, his eyes looking up from where he was kissing down Eddie’s exposed stomach. “If you wanted to use it.”

“What about a condom?”

“Hmm, no, but… do we need one?”

“What if I - you know - start leaking after?”

Richie grinned at that, crawling up again to whisper in Eddie's ear, “Don't you want to feel part of me running down your thigh in bed later? I can just see you squirming around under your sheets and fingering yourself with it once you realize how much you miss me.”

The shameful moan that escaped Eddie’s throat was far too revealing to make a sassy or believable retort, so he just thrust his hips up, feeling more excited than he expected at the prospect of feeling the warmth dripping down his legs. The second Richie’s fingers started working into him, Eddie realized how sensitive his body was from being sick, how desperate his muscles felt to be touched, and he was worried he was going to come right then and there.

“Whoa, relax baby,” Richie cooed as he kissed Eddie’s neck while Eddie started squirming around and whining.  _ Baby. Sweetheart.  _ Special names reserved for moments like this when Richie was extra soft and enamored by Eddie in the throes of passion. When they finally started dating,  _ Eds _ ,  _ Spaghetti _ , and  _ my love _ seemed to stay, soon accompanied by  _ little love _ ,  _ honey _ (which evolved into  _ honey bunches of oats _ , which soon just became  _ bunches _ ), and added splashes of  _ gorgeous _ and  _ beautiful _ . All of them equally good, Eddie was happy he didn’t have to hide his admiration for them anymore.

It was getting kind of silly telling Richie to stop calling him names that made him smile.

“Richie, I feel like I’m gonna come already,” Eddie whined, pouting a little at how his body was just so overworked and sore. Thank god all stubbornness to hide his need to be touched like this had been shadowed by his reciprocated affections for Richie now. Eddie wasn’t above absolute begging.

“Has it been too long for you sweetheart? You think it’s too much for you to handle right now?”

“No! N-n-no! Please, I want it, please fuck me, Richie!”

“Aw, I don’t know, Eds…”

“ _ Richiiiie _ , please!”

“Since you asked so nicely,” Richie preened, grinning when he pulled his fingers out to drag Eddie’s hips closer to his. 

He had slicked Eddie up so well, he slid all the way in with just a single, quick thrust, letting out a soft moan of relief at the sensation. Eddie, on the other hand, let out a noise so embarrassing it was reminiscent of the first time they fucked, when Richie had chuckled into his shoulder and whispered, “I’ve  _ never _ heard you make  _ that _ sound before, sweetheart.” 

It had been so long (and maybe not really, but for horny eighteen-year-olds, it was forever) that Eddie's insides felt like they had become thrice as sensitive and were sending electric currents through his body and making him tremble already. 

“ _ Fuuuck,  _ Rich,” Eddie whimpered, wishing he had dulled his sensitivity by at least  _ touching _ himself at some point in the last few weeks. Maybe Beverly didn’t need to distract his mother after all. “I’m - Richie, I’m not - fuck, I’m not gonna last, I’m gonna come any second - ”

“That makes two of us,” Richie half-laughed, half-moaned, panting his breaths. “Race ya there.”

“God, you’re so stupid,” Eddie laughed affectionately just before his body started giving out and feeling like he was imploding. “Oh fuck  _ fuck _ \- ”

As he threw his head back, Eddie felt dizzy and a rush of cool filling his body, feeling slightly embarrassed. Turned on from watching Eddie finish off, Richie groaned and grabbed Eddie’s waist to get leverage, eliciting little whimpers from Eddie as Richie chased his orgasm and collapsed his head onto Eddie’s chest.

“Wow, that was… what, twice as long as you usually last?” Eddie teased.

“Oh, fuck you,” Richie chuckled, squeezing Eddie’s sides to elicit a giggle. He licked a streak off Eddie’s stomach, lifting his head and roughly kissing Eddie, a sourish taste on his lips.

“Hmmph!” Eddie shoved Richie off once he realized what Richie had done. “You fucking snowballed me!”

Richie’s shit-eating grin was all the more clarification and Eddie started sputtering over the side of the couch.

“How is it any different than swallowing after sucking me off?”

“Completely different, Richie! I see the look on your face after you go down on me. I know my diet is not flattering my - my - excretions.”

“Oh  _ god, _ ” Richie laughed. “Did I ever tell you how  _ sexy  _ you make everything sound?”

At least after his boyfriend kindly helped clean him off, Eddie was already feeling much better than he was this morning, no trace of illness at all. It was amazing how much his spirits could be lifted in Richie’s presence, and he only wished he could have more chances to  _ touch  _ him more, feeling so deprived of a loving hand for all of his life.

Part of him would feel guilty after moments like this because he wondered if he was using them as a distraction. He loved Richie, of course, and always wanted to be with him, but now that they had this physical and mind-consuming thing they shared together, Eddie sometimes worried he threw away any opportunity to talk about what was really bothering him and stuff it down by, well… getting stuffed, as Richie so lovingly put it once. Eddie pulled his shirt back on while Richie brought over the small pile of mail that had come from his house.

Several months ago, Wentworth came up with the brilliant idea to have Eddie apply to his colleges with the Tozier’s address. Knowing full well that his mother would open anything Eddie got in  _ her _ home, especially out-of-state colleges (which she had  _ forbade _ him from applying to), Eddie went along with it. Since then, he had been accepted into Boston University, NYU, John Hopkins, UMaine, and Grace Evangelical College, the latter of which Eddie had allowed to be sent to his own house so his mother could see he was at least trying to go to college and, better yet, a ‘good Christian school.’ Richie had talked about moving to Chicago, LA, or NY to pursue comedy, so Eddie immediately called NYU to talk to someone about their program. 

“You should apply to this scholarship I got,” Stan had told him, having already accepted his enrollment at NYU. “I ended up with a full ride, and your grades are even better than mine.”

“What is this?” Eddie was asking Richie now, spotting a small purple envelop in the pile of college offers and scholarship information.

“Beats me,” Richie shrugged, stretching out to lay his head on Eddie’s lap. 

“It’s from some lady named Judy Sanderson,” Eddie mumbled, opening the envelope and finding a little postcard from Bangor, a town not thirty minutes from here. “Any idea who that is?”

“Open it and find out, Eds,” Richie sighed, likely trying to risk a catnap on the couch while Sonia lost her shit across town.

Eddie flipped the postcard over and his jaw dropped.

“Richie, listen to this…  _ Eddie. It’s been such a long time. I’m so happy to see you’re no longer living with Sonia, but I didn’t want to call and risk it. Please give me a call as soon as you get the chance, I would love to catch up. I love and miss you so much. Aunt Judy _ .” The bottom of the postcard had a phone number from right there in Bangor as well. Eddie looked down to see Richie had turned his head to look at him seriously.

“Who’s Judy? I thought your mom just had the two sisters?”

“She was… my dad’s sister,” Eddie said slowly, the memory starting to become clear. A blurry image of a woman with thick, dark hair was all Eddie could muster to remember. He thinks they’re all happy memories because her face is smiling and he feels good thinking about it. 

“Why does she know my address?” Richie pondered slowly, though not sounding too concerned.

“I think she worked for a school,” Eddie said, though he wasn’t sure how accurate that was. “‘ _ I’m so happy to see you’re no longer living with Sonia _ …’”

“‘ _ But I didn’t want to risk it, _ ’” Richie finished cryptically. “So, basically your aunt remembers your mom being a total fucking psycho.”

“Should I call her?”

“Well, if you do I’ll probably get going. Bev is supposed to call when your mom is on her way.”

“No, I can wait!” Eddie protested, reaching out to grab Richie’s sleeve as he started to get up.

“Hey, I’ll see you soon,” Richie assured him, leaning down to kiss his forehead. “You can’t be sick forever. I’ll try to think of some equally dastardly way to see you as soon as I can.”

“Ugh, fine. But I’m not happy about it.”

“I know, love. Also, can I be an ass and ask for food? I should probably still try to go to school and I left all my shit at home trying to rush over here.”

Eddie rolled his eyes but fished some leftovers in the fridge that he was going to eat for lunch, deciding he was probably safer eating some saltines or something. With a pang in his chest, Eddie watched Richie leave (after holding on tightly to his waist for probably far too long without letting him go). Not knowing how long he’d have until his mom came back, Eddie quickly went to the phone to call his aunt, thinking maybe they could make quick introductions and set something up to meet. He dialed the number on his rotary and waited.

“Admissions, Judy speaking.”

“Oh - uh, hi Judy. This is uh - sorry - this is Eddie. Eddie Kaspbrak. Your nephew. I got your letter,” Eddie rambled stupidly.

A small but audible gasp was heard on the other line and she spoke much softer. “Eddie! Oh my god, I can’t believe it. How are you, sweetie?”

“I’m, uh… I’m ok. How did you find that address you sent the postcard to?”

“I’m sorry if this is a little invasive, but… I saw your name come through in my office after you got accepted. I work here in UMaine,” she explained. “What - if you don’t mind me asking - what happened to your mother, Eddie? Who are you living with now?”

“I still live with her. I’ve been using a friend’s address so she can’t see my college applications. You seemed pretty psyched to think she wasn’t in the picture.”

There was a brief silence on the other end, and Eddie could practically hear Judy buzzing.

“Listen, Eddie, do you have a way of coming to the university? Maybe I could give you an unofficial tour on Sunday.”

“That’s gonna be kind of hard… I’ve been really sick lately, ma probably won’t want to take me.”

Eddie heard Judy’s breath take a sharp intake. “Sick… Eddie, this is really important. Can you try? Can a friend take you?”

Something in her voice was desperate and it was bringing that queasy feeling back to Eddie’s stomach. “I’ll try my best.”

Livid about the mint green Daewoo crashing into her car, Eddie listened to his mother rant for hours about that ‘little ginger slut.’ He did his best to hold back his anger, wanting to appease her enough to try and tour the school for the weekend. Out of all his friends, Ben was the obvious choice to tell his mother who would be taking him down, and he made sure to lie and say it was for the Evangelical school. In the end, he still had to literally get down on his knees to beg her.

“Please, ma. They might be more honest with me about the curriculum and school activities if you’re not there. You know how people are. They’ll just hide all the bad stuff from you. I’m feeling much better now so I can probably go on my own with Ben and be fine.”

Reluctantly, she agreed, and Ben was kind enough to call her with their plans, despite his only real plan this weekend being to take Bev to the movies. Now that Richie’s car had “shit the bed,” they asked Mike to take them in his truck and make a day trip of it.

“There are levels of cuddling I am going to accept in the car,” he told them once their seatbelts were on. “But no groping and no hands in pants.”

“When have we ever done such a thing, Mikey?” Richie asked innocently, pulling Eddie closer with an arm around his shoulder.

Mike shook his head and muttered something quiet, Eddie only catching the word ‘ _ hammock, _ ’ and pulled the truck out of the driveway, all of them waving Maggie goodbye as she tended to the Tozier’s garden out front. It was silly, but it made Eddie want to start a little garden on a terrace in their New York apartment, make it feel homey for Richie. 

Mike and Eddie were easily falling into a conversation about their majors and classes they wanted to take, with Eddie in a much better mood than he had been, his nausea and fevers seeming to finally settle down. Richie was surprisingly quiet, but he mostly just kept his eyes closed and half-slept while his foot tapped to the beat of the music from Mike’s radio.

“How pissed do you think your mom is going to be once we’re finally driving to New York?” he said after a while.

“Now that Eddie is feeling better,” Mike began slowly. “I think we should focus on enjoying our day out with him. Plus, I’m excited to see the campus.”

“You’re not even going to UMaine,” Richie replied. “None of us are.”

Mike shrugged. “I know. But it’ll be my first time on a college campus. I’d like to check out the library. Biggest one in the state.”

Trying his best to distract himself as Richie sat uncharacteristically quiet, Eddie kept up conversation with Mike about their perspective schools. He did not realize his fingers were drumming rapidly on Richie’s thigh until he felt Richie’s larger hand wrap around his own to hold it steady, pulling it up to his lips to kiss the back of Eddie's hand. 

The campus was easy enough for Mike to navigate through (especially with Eddie giving him directions, as he was basically a human compass). They parked somewhere near a building called the Union, where Eddie’s aunt had asked to meet with him.

“Oh no, we definitely made a mistake,” Richie was saying as he eyed a little bar called the Bear’s Den. “We should all go to school here. We can get drunk before classes.”

“You can’t even drink for three more years,” Mike pointed out. “Would you really want to be stuck in Maine just on the prospect of drinking expensive campus beer  _ years _ from now?”

“Guys,” Eddie interrupted suddenly. “That’s her.”

They all turned to where Eddie was looking, where a tiny brunette was sitting with two coffee cups, her leg bouncing up and down. Eddie could see the resemblance, noting her slight frame and large brown eyes beneath thick but tamed eyebrows. Her skin was very tanned, much like Eddie and his father. He felt Richie’s hand squeeze his shoulder.

“Mikey and I will grab something to drink and head over to the library, give you some privacy. You gonna be ok?”

“Can you wait?” Eddie said a little urgently. “Like, maybe wait until I give you a thumbs up or something, in case I need to bail?”

“Of course,” Mike assured him, patting his other shoulder and briefly making Eddie feel like a small child standing between towering, concerned dads. “We’ll be right here until you’re ready.”

Something soft brushed the back of Eddie’s head, and he realized Richie must have snuck a chaste kiss, squeezing his shoulder briefly. 

“Love you,” he said softly. 

“Love you too.”

“I guess I can get romantic with the library,” Mike sighed, Richie lightly punching him in the arm as Eddie finally moved his feet.

It made him nervous, knowing that he had other family out there that his mom had not let him keep in touch with, especially family from his dad’s side. Surely his mother understood how much that would mean to Eddie, having a connection with his father still. She must have seen it in Eddie’s desperate attempts at keeping up with his model cars, the many times she had yelled at him for learning DIY maintenance on Bill’s Jeep. For much of his childhood, Sonia had always talked about her late husband fondly, so he couldn’t understand the need to close ties with his family.

“Judy?” Eddie asked softly as he approached.

She looked up, her face lighting up when she saw him, which in turn made Eddie smile back at her.

“Eddie!” she exclaimed, getting up immediately and giving him a hug. “Oh my goodness, you got so big!”

“Are you sure about that?” Eddie laughed, squeezing her back fondly. In fairness, she was much smaller than him.

“I can’t believe it,” she sniffed, pulling back and looking over him. “You look - god, you look just like Frank; like a young Anthony Perkins.”

“Thanks,” Eddie said, feeling himself blush. Richie had on several occasions called him a “smaller, sexier Norman Bates, mother issues included,” so it was strange to hear it from someone else. She gestured to the chairs at the table for Eddie to sit, and he looked back to give Richie and Mike a slight nod, receiving a thumbs up in return.

“Are those your friends?” Judy asked pleasantly.

“Yeah, two of my best friends. That’s Mike on the left and Richie on the right.”

“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say that Richie looked love-struck,” Judy teased, taking a sip of her coffee. “He doesn’t have a thing for cougars, does he?”

“Heh, no,” Eddie laughed awkwardly, not wanting to explain Richie was looking at  _ him _ that way. He thanked Judy after she slid the other coffee towards him, waving off the cup of sugar packets and cream.

“Your father always drank his coffee black, too,” Judy smiled at him. “I’m sorry if I keep comparing the two of you, it’s just - I’ve missed you both so much. It’s nice to see parts of him still alive in you, even the little things like that.”

Something akin to pride filled Eddie’s chest, but it made Eddie feel just a bit guilty, too. “Aunt Judy… I just, I want to let you know… I’m not actually wanting to come to UMaine. I got a scholarship to NYU.”

“That’s amazing!” Judy said brightly. “What will you be doing?”

“Uh, I’m not entirely sure. Business, maybe? I don’t know. I’ve always been good at math, it would be nice to do something that could actually bring in a good paycheck. I thought about being a taxi driver part-time while I go to school, but I’d probably get shot.”

“I’m sure you’ll be wonderful at anything you decide to do,” Judy beamed. “Hey, you could always be a limo driver. That’s a good business!”

Eddie smiled back, but couldn’t help but feel slightly desperate for information now that the source was right in front of him. “You don’t like my mom very much, do you?”

Just like that, Judy’s face faltered, her frown making her seem much older in an instant. It made her look tired as she brushed some hair from her face and tucked it behind her ear.

“Do you remember your grandma, Eddie?”

“Not really.”

Judy nodded, taking another sip of coffee before she continued. “She was a nasty piece of work. Had me and Frank wrapped around her finger, doting on her all the time. She had this magical ability to be both overburdening and completely absent at the same time. When Frank started dating Sonia, I… I could see the red flags. She was so much like mom when we were younger, and Frank… I couldn’t really blame him. He didn’t know any better. It was all he knew, having someone to tell him what to do, control his life…”

“Why are you telling me this?” Eddie blurted, feeling hot and uncomfortable. “You think I don’t know my mom has some screws loose?”

Except that wasn’t really it, was it? Because in his heart, Eddie had always assumed his mother had become the way she was because of what happened to his father. His death must have taken some irreparable damage, making her feel obligated to protect Eddie at all costs. If it weren’t for her blatant homophobia, Eddie could probably forgive many of her behaviors. This new information, this version of Sonia that existed before his father died who was just as miserable and controlling as the one Eddie knew now, that was… unsettling. It made all the guilt he felt in regards to his father all the more compound, knowing his father was raised by a woman so much like Sonia that he married her to be in a prison of his own comfort.

“Your mom made it impossible to stay in touch with you, Eddie,” Judy continued sadly. “I’ve wanted to talk to you about this for a long time. I just… I just want to make sure you’re ok. When you told me you were sick, I got a little worried, but… you seem to be ok now, right?”

“I’ve had a really bad fever,” Eddie said defensively, although he wasn’t really sure why. “It’s been on and off for a couple of months.”

Judy shifted uncomfortably in her seat, her eyes narrowing. “But you’re better today… when you had to be somewhere.”

“Y-yes. I mean, it might - you know how Maine is, and I get really bad allergies all year, sometimes they can give you a fever. It might be the change in seasons messing with my sinuses or something.”

“Right. Allergies,” Judy intoned quietly.

“Don’t,” Eddie said nervously. “You’re starting to sound like my mother, making me think I have cancer or something.”

Wishing now that he hadn’t let Richie and Mike leave yet, Eddie looked around desperately for them to no avail. Eddie felt trapped. 

“I’m not trying to scare you, Eddie. I’m sorry. I guess… I don’t know, your father started developing all these illnesses rather suddenly and… maybe it’s just something genetic. I mean, I really hope that’s not the case and it’s just a fluke that you’ve been so sick recently. Are you used to being sick?”

“No, I’ve - I’ve been fine. Really, I mean, I used to get sick as a kid, but I’ve been ok. I haven’t needed my inhaler in a long time and I even got to join the track team at school. This is just like a weird bug or something.”

Judy seemed to relax a little bit looking at him, which in turn put Eddie more at ease. “Oh, well… that’s good. I’m glad to hear that.”

“I didn’t know dad’s health was so bad,” Eddie admitted, playing with the plastic lid on his coffee cup. “I guess that’s why the cancer spread so quickly, like, having a weak immune system and all.”

There was no response for that, and Eddie looked up apologetically, thinking maybe it was rather rude to bring up his father's death like that. The look on her face was bizarrely befuddled, her eyes narrowing at him.

“The cancer?”

“Yeah, his - you know. Dad’s cancer.”

Another moment of silence between them passed as Judy folded her arms slowly in front of her. “Your mother told you… Frank had cancer?” she asked slowly, her tone sending chills up Eddie’s spine.

“Why wouldn’t she? That’s how he died. I remember; ma and I were in the hospital with him.”

“He was in the hospital,” Judy nodded. “But he didn’t… he didn’t have cancer, Eddie.”

“Bullshit,” Eddie sputtered, his hands starting the shake. “I went with him to chemo all the time. He was always throwing up and he was losing his hair from it. I remember.”

“Frank wasn’t in treatment, Eddie,” Judy said firmly. “I was also there and I wasn’t five years old, no offense. You sat in his lap playing with your hot wheels while the doctors tried to figure out why he wasn’t getting better. One day, they said he was probably going to be discharged, and the next thing we knew your mom was calling and saying he had a stroke.”

“Maybe he did!” Eddie screeched rather hysterically. “The stress of having fucking cancer got to him!”

“Eddie… If your mom is lying about how he died…”

“Then what?” Eddie spat, ignoring the looks he was getting from the strangers around him as his voice grew louder. “If she’s lying about how he died,  _ then what _ ?”

“What kind of cancer did he have, Eddie?” Judy challenged.

“I don’t - I don’t know. It had metastasized all over by the time they found it. Why are you - why are you trying to make me believe she made all this up? Why would she do that?”

“I suppose if you’ve been relatively healthy,” Judy started slowly. “If she hasn’t manipulated you in the past or… god forbid trick you into thinking you were sick - ”

“Fuck you!” Eddie snapped, getting up so quickly that his coffee spilled all over the table when he knocked against it. “I’m not going to sit here listening to you fuck with my head, lady!”

Ignoring her calls, Eddie stomped off out of the union, not even taking a moment to appreciate the cool breeze when he stepped outside. The library was the next building over, so he jogged over, his legs a little feeble, running up the stairs unsteadily and immediately feeling overwhelmed once he got inside. 

The place was enormous, and his head was practically spinning trying to find Mike and Richie. Thankfully, it was quiet and hardly any students were here on this lovely Sunday morning. His heart was starting to race as his panic surged, taking in deep and heavy breaths, but it was easy to find Richie in his bright yellow floral shirt. 

Mike wasn’t there and Richie was looking over some pamphlets for school organizations. He looked up briefly and smiled at Eddie before turning back to what he was reading.

“Did you know this school organized a rally of students for the Washington March last year? It was for the Lesbian, Gay, and Bi Rights protests. That’s awesome.”

When Eddie didn’t answer, Richie looked back up and could clearly see the concern and panic in Eddie’s face. Without saying a word, he took his hand and helped guide Eddie to a quieter, private place.

When they were younger, Richie used to take advantage of their size differences by messing around, hiding Eddie’s things up on tall shelves, or simply dangling them up above his head so Eddie would try climbing on his back to get it. Usually, it was just an excuse to keep Eddie’s attention on him. Now though, Richie knew that when he encompassed Eddie’s little body in his long arms, held him tight against his broader chest, it was to make Eddie feel safe. In all other circumstances, Eddie hated feeling small. But in Richie’s arms? That was his safe place; he was never smothered there.

Once they found a small, dark corner away from any students, Richie pulled Eddie close to let him bury his face in his shirt, sobbing quietly while Richie held onto him. One of his hands was firm around Eddie’s waist to keep him steady, the other soothingly stroking the back of Eddie’s head. They remained very still, just Eddie crying softly and trying to steady himself by counting the beats of Richie’s heart in his chest against Eddie’s ear. If he were being perfectly honest, Eddie wasn’t even sure why he was so upset.

It’s not like he believed any of this.

“Hey,” Richie said softly into Eddie’s hair.

Eddie lifted his head up, hiccuping quietly as he looked up at Richie’s concerned eyes, feeling his thumb lightly wipe a tear from his cheek. No one was around and Eddie didn’t fight it when Richie leaned down and pressed the softest of kisses on his nose.

“I’m ok,” Eddie assured him. “I’m just not feeling so good.”

“You feeling sick again, baby?”

“A little, yeah.”

Richie lifted his other hand so they were both cupping Eddie’s face and planting a tender kiss on Eddie’s lips. All he wanted to do was sink into him and steal another private moment with him, even if it meant risking someone seeing them in this library. He tugged Richie in closer, trying to feel his body heat against his own. Richie obviously sensed what he was trying to do, gently pushing Eddie back.

“Sweetheart, you just said you were sick. Why are you trying to get me all bothered in public?”

“Because I can’t have you anywhere else,” Eddie said frustratingly, letting his fingers drop to Richie’s belt as a strange wave of anger broke through him. A distraction; that’s what he needed. “I’ve been more sick of missing you, Rich.”

A low growl escaped Richie’s throat and Eddie couldn’t help but grin and let all the shittiness of his day wash away. He tugged lightly at Richie’s belt to pull him back as Eddie let his back hit one of the bookshelves. 

“This is a bad idea, Eds.”

It was a terrible idea and Eddie knew that. Something dark and unsettling was fighting its way into Eddie’s forebrain, and he refused to let it win. Surely Richie could see beyond the fa ç ade, sense the desperation Eddie felt to drown the invasive thing that had put him in a panic, suffocate it with distracting affection. Richie was desperate for that affection like he was, when they couldn’t have it so openly and joyfully, and Eddie wasn’t in a good enough headspace to ignore that.

“It’s a college experience,” Eddie whispered, sucking on Richie’s collar bone and hearing him hiss above him. “Don’t you want to get a taste of it?”

“Mmm,” Richie hummed, gripping one of the shelves next to Eddie’s head to brace himself as he rutted into Eddie’s thigh, already too hard for him to argue against this. “You want me to go down on you? Make you feel better?”

No, that wouldn’t be enough; that felt too  _ safe _ .

“I got a better idea,” Eddie whispered into his neck. “We’re in a library. It would be a shame if you fucked me so hard against this bookshelf that you had to press your hand over my mouth to stop me from screaming.”

“Jesus,” Richie breathed out shakily, gripping one of Eddie’s biceps. “What’s gotten into you?”

“Hopefully you in about two minutes?” he asked, looking up through his lashes in the way he knew drove Richie crazy. 

That was all it took to have Richie turning him around and hiking one of Eddie’s legs up onto the bookshelf, his own leg pressed up to keep him steady as he soon fucked roughly into him with short, quick thrusts. God knows how loud Eddie would actually be if Richie’s hand wasn’t clamped on his face like a vice, because he was whimpering and moaning worse than a cheap pornstar, not used to doing something so spontaneous and ill-prepared. It was a wonder someone  _ still _ couldn’t hear them, with the books clanging around and Richie grunting into Eddie’s ear. Eddie kept feeling his heart flip in his chest as he felt the breath on his ear. Sometimes he still couldn’t believe he got to do stuff like this with Richie, and butterflies would flutter pleasantly when he thought about it.

That reminder was what finally snuffed out the worry and every upsetting thought, just letting himself be consumed by Richie’s presence. Even the library itself seemed to disappear around them, Eddie’s focus completely lost in his pleasure.

One of Richie’s hands was gripping Eddie’s hip from behind and it reached around to stroke Eddie through the front of his boxers, which had been rubbing roughly and obscenely between two books on the shelf there. Just the extra touch finally helped push Eddie over that edge, his voice guttural and muffled against Richie’s palm. He rested his forehead on the edge of the wood as Richie chased his orgasm, moving his hand back to Eddie’s hip.

Just one look from Mike told them that he knew exactly what they had done, and he shook his head quietly as they made their way back to the car.

“Fix your hair and check your flies you fucking idiots,” he eventually said once they were outside the library.

“Shit, I - I’m sorry, Mike,” Eddie stammered as a blush crept to his cheeks. “We didn’t - we just - ”

“Relax, I’m not mad,” Mike assured them and Eddie could see a small smirk on his face.

“If anyone knows what it’s like to get horny over some books, it’s Mike,” Richie teased, throwing an arm over Eddie’s shoulder.

“You sure you don’t want to see anything else on campus?” Eddie asked, feeling bad that the trip was so short and Mike and to deal with their stupid horny bullshit.

“It’s not like we’re going to stay in Maine,” Mike shrugged. “It’s fine. How was your aunt?”

Neither of them had told Mike about Eddie’s panic attack, but Richie was kind enough to keep his mouth shut and give him a comforting squeeze around his waist. It did nothing to dull the unwelcome queasiness that had returned to him. 

Apparently rough library sex was not an effective coping mechanism.

“Fine. I’ll - I’ll explain in the truck though.”

So there they were, back on I-95 while Eddie quickly tried to explain what his aunt had tried to accuse his mother of doing to his father and, well, to him. He did so in almost a rage, still pissed off at the  _ suggestion _ , because he knew that his mother was always too terrified of him being sick. Why would she purposefully make him so?

But then Richie shifted uncomfortable, looking somewhere between furious and ill.

“Can I talk to you about something, Eds?”

“What’s up?” Eddie asked, as Mike politely turned his radio down some more.

“How have you been feeling since I saw you the other day?”

“Uh, fine. I guess. I’m feeling a lot better today. Why?”

“You guys saw each other the other day?” Mike piped in. “Is that why you got sick, Rich? See, that just proves your aunt is wrong. It must’ve been contagious. I swear, that better not spread around to the rest of us.”

“Wait, you got sick?” Eddie asked, concerned. “You shouldn’t have come over until I was better.”

“No, Eddie, I don't think you were the issue… I think it was the food.”

“What - what food?”

“The leftovers I took,” Richie said earnestly. “I swear, there was something, like, super off about them.”

“My mom's cooking has always been shitty. I always figured your garbage disposal mouth couldn’t tell.”

Something about the way Mike was side eying them and Richie’s sincere concern was making Eddie feel queasy. Richie bit his lip and looked down at Eddie very seriously.

“Do you usually get sick after you eat, Eds? I mean, lately?”

“Richie, I’ve had a fever,” Eddie argued. “If you’re trying to tell me my mom is poisoning me to keep me at home, I can’t see how she’s managed to pull that off.”

Even as he said it, though, his stomach turned and twisted in his gut at the thought. There’s no way his body could develop a fever from eating something off… right?

Mike very kindly tried to steer the subject, still looking a little unsure. They got into town and Richie was still quiet, staring out the window and staying out of their conversation completely while he seemed to process things. A quiet Richie was never a good sign, and Mike looked a little uneasy dropping them off near Eddie’s house, far enough that Sonia couldn’t see them from any of the windows. It made Eddie nervous saying goodbye, knowing that Richie wasn’t going to hesitate to tell Eddie what was wrong once they were alone.

“Richie,” Eddie started, wanting to try to cool him off before he began.

“Eddie, are you not even the least bit suspicious that your aunt could be right?”

“Richie, it doesn’t make any sense!” Eddie said, already exhausted. “She wouldn’t - she wouldn’t be  _ making _ me sick, she’s always trying to keep me from  _ getting _ sick.”

“Yeah, by making you think you already had something wrong with you,” Richie argued. “What if that stops working and she gets desperate? Which, mind you, that’s exactly what’s been happening.”

“I’ve been taking all my meds in front of her every day. Well, she  _ thinks _ I’m taking them anyway. She wouldn’t jump straight to trying to fucking kill me.”

“What about that stuff with your dad? That is so fucking weird, Eds. Has a doctor or literally anyone else told you he had cancer before? Anyone besides your mom?”

“Richie,  _ please _ ,” Eddie begged, gripping the front of Richie’s shirt with his fist. “I can’t deal with this crazy shit right now. We’re going to be graduating in a month and I’m going to be  _ gone _ . We can get through this and leave in the middle of the night and run as far away from here as possible. I won’t even leave a note, I’ll just send her a postcard. Just please don’t make this worse than it is.”

“Eds,” Richie said, taking Eddie’s hand in an attempt to relax him. “Do you know why handheld game systems use alkaline batteries?”

“Wh-what?” Eddie said, taken a little off guard.

“So there are different types of batteries you can use for games and stuff,” Richie explained. “They warn people that use portable ones, like the GameBoys, that excessive use can cause battery leakage, so they put out warnings about nickel-cadmium batteries since exposure to them can cause poisoning.”

“What’s your point?”

“Sometimes… and I was reading about this a while ago… but sometimes, enough exposure to cadmium can cause flu-like symptoms. You can even get a fever.”

Eddie dropped his hand, taking a step back from him. “Are you trying to tell me my mom is trying to poison me with  _ battery acid _ ?”

“I don’t know!” Richie said defensively, throwing his hands up in frustration. “But whatever the hell is going on with you isn’t right, Eds. Maybe you should come stay with me.”

Eddie laughed humorlessly, shaking his head. “That’s not going to work.”

“Why not? We’re both eighteen, she can’t do shit about it. My parents would love to have you around.”

“You don’t think she won’t be waiting just outside the property lines, ready to drag me back to her house?”   
“Kidnapping,” Richie shrugged. “You’re an adult. She can’t make you go back there.”

“Richie,” Eddie pleaded again. “Please, don’t make this harder than it has to be. It’s one goddamn month. If putting up with her for another month makes it easier for us to live the rest of our lives together in peace - ” 

He froze, feeling his cheeks flush as he said the words. For some reason, his eyes stung harshly, and he swallowed trying to get some composure. Richie reached up and stroked his cheek gently, staring down at him with a soft expression.

“You know I want that too, don’t ya, Eds? I’d follow you to the ends of the earth. I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I would just prefer that be a very, very long time.”

“It will be,” Eddie assured him, cupping Richie’s hand to his cheek with his own. “Quit getting me all teared up, ya big softie.”

Richie sighed, pressing his forehead against Eddie’s. “Can you just  _ please _ do me a favor?”

“Anything, Rich.”

“Don’t eat the food she gives you. Just… trick her into thinking you ate it or something and throw it out. See what happens.”

“So that I starve to death instead?” Eddie laughed.

“I’ll bring you up some snacks. I won’t linger, I promise. I’ll come back later and drop off some stuff outside your window, nice and early, ok?”

They were too caught up in their own love-struck bliss to bother looking to see if anyone was around, Eddie up on his tiptoes with Richie’s arms around his waist while they shared a deep kiss. They whispered  _ I love you _ ’s and Richie gave Eddie’s hand one final squeeze before he finished the short walk to his house. 

Eddie continued his routine of lying through his teeth, telling his mother about how he just  _ knew _ he wanted to go to such a well-rounded and structured Christian school. They even had religious clubs, he told her. Whatever bullshit it was to get her off his back. She made a small meal that Eddie picked at for too long before he had to excuse himself to be sick, asking his mom to pack the leftovers away for him to eat for dinner. 

When nighttime came, Eddie heated up the food in the microwave as his mother ate whatever disgusting TV meal she had made for herself as she watched her shows. He made a point to scrape around his plate, scooping his fork around loudly enough for her to hear, before emptying the food into the garbage as quietly as he could. 

“All full, Eddie-bear?” his mother asked as he was about to go upstairs. 

“Yes, mama,” Eddie called back. “I’m really tired though from being out. I haven’t been used to it. I’m gonna go to bed.”

“Aren’t you forgetting something?”

As always, feeling a little sick just from the action itself, Eddie walked over and planted a small kiss on his mother's cheek goodnight before turning back around and heading upstairs.

Just as he promised, Richie had left some goodies for him, but couldn’t help but roll his eyes at the assortment of sugary snacks and junk food.

“Your dad is a goddamn dentist, Richie,” Eddie whispered fondly, smelling the small little love note Richie had left. It was spritzed with some of his cheap dollar store cologne, but it was still  _ Richie _ , and once Eddie was done eating he clung onto it in his bed and breathed it in like it was an inhaler he had to depend on for air. The idea that in just a few short months, he was finally going to share a bed with Richie, share an entire  _ life _ with Richie, just thrilled him to no end. He was going to get to fall asleep to this scent every night. He was going to be able to curl up to his body heat and wake up to his goofy grin every morning. Despite how terrible and stressful the day had been, Eddie still managed to fall asleep with a smile, note clung tightly.

Wakefulness was not so kind to Eddie in the morning. Limbs stiff, muscles achy, skin covered in sweat, Eddie groaned as he rolled out of his sheets. As he slid off the bed he tried to reach up and rub the sleep from his eyes, but his right arm felt heavy as lead. It felt tingly, aching terribly at the base of his elbow, the pain radiating up and down the rest of his arm. He must’ve slept on it wrong, he thought, as it hung like a dead branch at his side coming down the stairs for breakfast.

“You don’t look so good, Eddie-bear,” his mother said as he came into the kitchen, although he could’ve sworn she had opened her mouth before he even turned the corner, maybe. He was too tired.

The worst part, though, was she was right; his fever appeared to be returning with a vengeance, making his brain feel foggy and his thoughts incomprehensible. All he wanted to do was go back to school, be normal again, not resort to the sick, scared little boy he had been in his youth. Not even able to argue, though, he sat at the table, allowing his mother to press the back of her hand to his forehead and tut. 

“Looks like no school today. Why don’t you go lay on the couch and I’ll be right there.”

Eddie nodded feebly, shuffling back into the living room, his arm dragging uncomfortably at his side. It was strange how uncomfortable it still felt, but soon enough he was feeling too ill to care. 

As he laid there with his mother stroking his hair as she watched her shows, Eddie was drifting in and out of consciousness. At one point, he was sure she rolled up his sleeve, stroking his arm for a bit before pulling it back down. When Eddie was little, his mother would do this, stroke various limbs, run her fingers through his hair, and talk about how much he looked like his father. Growing up, it seemed normal enough, but listening to her do it now sent a perturbed feeling down his spine.

The feeling of his hands on his skin brought him back to the tub; he had switched to showers far too old, he thinks. His mother was always there, keeping an eye on him. It had been normal, having her talk to him, telling him how much he looked like Frank. All while touching him. How far would her hands go, really?

Jesus, thinking about it now, it was making Eddie feel like he wanted to vomit again, and he let out an involuntary moan. 

“You feeling sick, Eddie-bear?” his mother said, attempting to be soothing but just sounding sickening. 

One of her hands went to rub his side, and he swatted it away.

“Eddie,” Sonia warned. “What is the matter with you?”

Certainly, that wasn’t a good sign either, his mother overreacting to him not wanting to be touched by her. Suddenly their proximity was unbelievably unnerving and he made a move to get up, but his mother shoved his weak body back down.

“Enough, Eddie. You have the bin here if you need to get sick. You need to rest.”

Too weak to fight it, Eddie rested his body back down. Well, rest was a stretch. Sure, he had slept and gone in and out of weird fever dreams, but he did not get a pinch of rest that day, squirming at his mother's hands on his body. The phone had startled him awake several times, his mother getting up in a huff each time. The day had somehow crawled by slowly and disappeared in a flash all at once until it was time for Eddie to crawl back to bed. 

It didn’t help his queasiness that he was so unbelievably drowsy that his mother helped him change his clothes.

After a night of terrible dreams, filled with monstrous clowns, man-eating cars, and violent animals, Eddie woke to a morning in a suffering heat. His body was burning up, the sides of his lower back aching in a way that made him feel dehydrated like his kidneys had been punched, and he still couldn’t manage to get himself up. 

Like a pathetic child, Eddie called out for his mommy.

Letting him stay in bed today, she would come up and check on him every half an hour. A few times, she would roll up his sleeves, and he looked down to see his one arm looking more swollen than usual, but he supposed it was just his mind playing tricks on him. He thought nothing more of it after she smoothed his sleeves back down and checked his temperature. 

Not sure if it was in his head or not, he’d faintly hear the phone ringing over and over downstairs. Dazed and weary, Eddie would occasionally stumble to the bathroom, not even having the energy to stand as he peed, wanting badly to take a shower but being afraid of his mother wanting to interfere with that as well. At one point, he made the mistake of drifting off with his head against the bathroom wall while he sat fully clothed on the toilet and awoke to his mother attempting to unlock the door from the outside.

“I’m fine, ma,” Eddie said wearily, rubbing his eyes. Jesus, he hadn’t even pulled his pants down. Did he even have to go to the bathroom, or was he just wandering around like a lost crazy person in his house? Not wanting to alert his mother to such an idea, he flushed the toilet anyway and froze at the sink, catching his exhausted face in the mirror.

“Eddie, I think it’s time for some more medicine.”

“We’re out,” he replied through the door, wanting to keep a distance from her still.

“Since  _ when _ ?”

“Since this morning?” 

“It’s 8 AM now Eddie. Did you just take it?”

_ 8 AM _ ? How many hours had he been asleep? How the hell had another day gone by without his noticing. 

“I meant - I meant last night. I think. We’re out.”

His mother huffed and she knocked on the door, quite unnecessarily. “Come back to bed, Eddie. I’ll need to run out to pick up some more medicine for you and I do not want you up and about.”

“Coming,” Eddie said, moving to wash his hands. His limbs were all heavy and weak, but his right arm wouldn’t even budge, simply dangling at his side. He used his other hand to prop it up on the sink counter. His fingers could move, but they were red and swollen. The entire arm was tingly and numb with just the dullest ache. He made a poor attempt to wash his hands, leaving the water running long enough for his mother not to pester him about hygiene.

“What were you doing in there?” his mother huffed impatiently.

“Ma, I’m sick,” he said bluntly.

She breathed out a long sigh through her nostrils before guiding Eddie back to his bed. As he laid back down and let his mom cover him in his blanket, he realized how worried Richie must have been. Eddie couldn’t even tell what day it was anymore, having been so delirious with fever. How  _ many _ days has it been? All he had to do was wait to hear the front door close and lock so he could get up and make the phone call.

When the moment came, Eddie tried his best to make it to the stairs quickly, stumbling along as he did so. His arm was basically useless, and he couldn’t figure out what was causing it to be so damn debilitating. It wasn’t until he took a step down that he realized it was probably still a weekday; Richie wouldn’t even be  _ home _ if he called. 

“Shit,” he muttered under his breath. He debated calling anyway, in case Maggie or Wentworth was home so he could at least have them relay the message. 

A little voice in the back of Eddie’s head repeated what Richie had told him when they saw each other last. A phone call was probably much easier to get away with than snooping around in his mother's things, he realized, turning back up the stairs towards his mother’s bedroom. It was grossly floral, not in the way that Richie or Bev dressed, but in that old lady kind of way that made Eddie’s nose scrunch. He couldn’t remember the last time he was even in here properly, save for a few times he had gone to fetch his mother water while she was in bed.

This brought back memories of his mother making him lie in bed with her when he was particularly sick as a child. The idea sickened him now.

The bathroom would be an obvious place to hide something, wouldn't it? Eddie crept quietly as if his mother were still in the house, as if she’d jump from the shadows and catch him by the throat for going through her things. He still felt a bit flush and sick, unsure if it was making his paranoia worse as he entered the bathroom. 

It was pristinely clean in the restroom, although Eddie never understood when she found the time to clean it while he was sick and not minding his chores so much. 

In his dull fever-ridden thoughts, he still managed to feel rage over this small thing, that it had become his duty to do all the housework to appease his mother and show that he was a good son. It shouldn’t matter, but he thought about what Judy had told him about his grandmother, making her and his father do everything and this made him think about how his father felt so trapped in his life that he let himself off the respirator that was his mother just to let Sonia clamp right back into him.

It made Eddie wonder what would have happened if he didn’t have Richie. If he didn’t have the great friends he had now. If he didn’t have the love and support of people to help accept who he was before he ended up with someone just like his mother, sucking him of all good and joy until he was a shell of a human being.

What was miraculous about Richie, really, was that he wasn’t just  _ not _ like his mother. He wasn’t just  _ nice _ . Nice shouldn’t be a personality trait, after all. People  _ should  _ be nice. 

Richie was this small little part of the universe that somehow encased so much love and wonder and curiosity. Yes, he was funny, and Eddie was more than happy to be able to admit that now, but Richie simply loved bringing  _ joy _ and making people smile. There were parts of Richie that Eddie was still unfolding as he peeled the layers back, little dreams and desires he found so endearing, hopes for the future, and a desire to use himself as a tool to change the world around him for the better. Richie was surprisingly brilliant with words and numbers, and while he often ignored his schoolwork, he was incredibly smart and focused on issues he felt that really mattered, often going on rants about the current political administration and his desire to make a difference. 

Should they have been born much earlier, Eddie could absolutely see Richie dragging him to Vietnam War protests, or Black Panther and Feminist marches. 

And he loved Eddie so goddamn wholly without losing any part of himself, and Eddie wondered sometimes if he was latching himself too deep under Richie’s skin, depending on him for his happiness. Yet, as passionate and loving and how  _ much _ Richie was, he never made Eddie feel not himself. Richie was always there with arms wide open, ready to close themselves off from the world and make their own, but not once did Richie ever make Eddie feel like he was just a part of a whole. They somehow managed to be each other’s everything and make each other feel comfortable enough to have everything else. Eddie couldn’t quite make sense of the feeling in his head, so simultaneously freeing and secure.

Trying not to get lost in his rambling thoughts, Eddie began opening drawers and cabinets, searching through the makeup and medicinal crap his mother kept. It would probably be impossible for Eddie to go through everything, and the thought of even finding something made him feel rather faint. 

Eddie blinked a few times as he stared at the small basket he pulled out from under the sink.

No.

No, no, no.

_ No. _

Batteries.

Bags of broken, bleeding batteries with a liquid dropper.

A bottle of ipecac syrup.

He was faint.

So, incredibly faint. Flushed. Heavy.

He turned his head to look at the basket more closely - but his head kept craning, lolling to the side, his arm acting like deadweight pulling his body towards the floor -

The overhead lights were startlingly bright, starbursts of colors invading Eddie’s vision as he tried to adjust his eyesight. It was far too bright to be his room, and that smell - that distinct, sanitary smell that could only be from one place…

Unlike how it was usually shown in the movies, Eddie’s hospital room was colorful and full of cartoonish images of turtles and various sea creatures swimming on the ocean-painted walls. Anyone under 21 got stuck in the child ward, which meant you were forced to watch Nickelodeon or Disney cartoons on the small box television set that hung up on the wall. Thankfully, Eddie appeared to be alone, the companion bed sitting empty beside his own to his left. Between blue-painted bubbles, Eddie saw the whiteboard with various bits of information, his name in bold capital letters at the top, but he couldn’t read the rest clearly.

No one was around to pester about his condition, and Eddie was feeling that uncomfortable, queasy panic bubbling under the surface of calm that was blanketing him, likely from sedatives in his IV. Normally, his mother would be right there screaming at a doctor about what medications to give him or the proper treatment for his ailments. Perhaps she was yelling at someone elsewhere.

How did he even get here? His fever must have reached critical levels, forcing his mother to finally drag him here for the appropriate medical attention. It was welcoming, for once, as Eddie was starting to worry, really worry about what could be wrong with him. He thought about Richie and his aunt's concern regarding the possibility of his mother having more sinister intentions, but there was no way she’d be willing to take him to the hospital if she was poisoning him, surely.

That’s when Eddie’s brain started to recollect what had happened before the hospital, realizing he had been snooping around in her bathroom on some stupid hunch. His mind was still fuzzy, trying to piece together fading memories that felt like a dream now. He had been searching around in the cabinet and had found - and had found -

Old, broken nickel-cadmium batteries in ziplock bags. The ipecac syrup. Richie’s words in his head about the battery poisoning. Then he fainted, leaning off to the right as if his arm was made of lead and dragging him down to the floor. 

In his years of fascination about mechanics and cars, Eddie could faintly recall reading about cadmium poisoning, and that while it wasn’t one would likely be exposed to working on a car, a lot of industrial plants had risky exposure. He never really looked into it, but Richie had said enough. Larger amounts of the exposure could be traced to flu-like symptoms… that could include headaches, breathing issues, even a fever… things his mother would always warn him about due to his supposed fragility. Add a little ipecac syrup, and she had made the perfect concoction to make Eddie think he may be really, organically sick.

All the years Sonia had smothered him with her paranoia were making sense in a way Eddie never saw before, especially knowing the suspicious circumstances around his father. His mother never wanted Eddie to actually be sick before. She wouldn’t wish that on a child. It was better for a child - particularly a delicate child like Eddie - think he was sick than to really get sick. Because then she had complete control over him. God forbid she lost that control and resort to something drastic. The consequences of that could be far, far worse than any placebo.

“Bitch,” Eddie muttered, feeling his chest quaking with rage. “You dirty, fucking psycho bitch. Fuck!”

He tried to get up, to push himself up with his elbows, but he fell clumsily to the bed. The IV in his left arm yanked uncomfortably, a dull ache in the crook of his arm where it was implanted under his skin. He made a move to roughly pull it out, but his right arm wouldn’t budge, heavy and weak. Eddie cursed under his breath and shifted over to check and see if his other arm was still swollen and reddened, but froze as his eyes stared down at the bed.

This was clearly an illusion. No, no, no, no… Eddie was still coming down from his sedatives, that’s all. His mind was playing tricks on him. He pressed his back against the bed, trying to see if his arm had somehow gotten twisted behind him, but felt nothing. Except he really didn’t feel  _ nothing _ , for he swore he still felt his arm there, heavy and solid, so clearly the missing appendage was some kind of horrible, godawful trick. 

Yet, Eddie stared and stared at the empty space where his arm was  _ supposed _ to be, trying to bring it back into existence with sheer will. He gingerly tucked up his hospital gown to reveal a bandaged stump of a shoulder and immediately felt the air evacuate his lungs, his chest constricting as he tried to heave pointless breaths back into his body.

“ _ MOM! _ ” Eddie shouted towards the door, his voice cracked and hoarse. “ _ MOM! WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO? _ ”

He screamed until it felt like his throat had torn down the middle. He was still screaming when a nurse burst through the door. She looked bewildered and a bit frightened, briefly turning to call for someone whose name Eddie did not hear as he continued to shout.

“Where the fuck is she? Where is Sonia?”

“Mr. Kaspbrak, I need you to calm down, please.”

“ _ Don’t tell me to calm down! I want my fucking arm! _ ”

Nearly about to pass out from his screaming and hyperventilating, Eddie had to take a breath as a doctor finally came in. She was younger than most doctors he dealt with in Derry, and he did not recognize the name on her tag, Dr. Kaplin. She immediately came over to Eddie’s side, where he was realizing that tears and spit had been sputtering out of him as he heaved in deep breaths to calm his panic.

“What did you do to me?” he sobbed desperately up at her.

“Mr. Kaspbrak, take a breath.”

“I’m breathing!” he gasped.

“Ok,” she nodded, looking as impatient as she did scared. Doctors should not look  _ scared _ and that made Eddie feel cold inside. “Eddie, I need you to listen to me ok?”

Letting out another gasping sob and gulping very audibly on his excessive spit, Eddie nodded feebly.

“You developed a very dangerous level of sepsis,” Dr. Kaplin began. “Your mother explained that you’ve had a bad fever and a cold, so you’ve usually been sleeping alone in your room and in long sleeves and she wasn’t able to see the infection on your arm.”

“Bullshit!” Eddie spat. “She’s fucking lying!”

“Eddie - ”

“She’s been making me sick!” Eddie cried, desperately trying to lift his nonexistent arm, the ghost of it still heavy beside it. “Please, she did this on purpose!”

“The sepsis looked like it started from a spider bite,” Dr. Kaplin continued slowly. “Are you saying she - ”

“Yes, YES! I don’t know what she fucking did but I swear to god she’s been - ” he paused, gasping for air that somehow couldn’t get into his lungs, “ - putting stuff - ” another gasp, “ - in my food. She’s - she’s making me sick, doc.”

“Making you sick, how?” she asked, her face stoic, making Eddie feel unsure of her levels of concern.

“Poison,” Eddie said, inhaling sharply again as his body just continued to shake and spazz. “She put - she put battery acid and - and she’s putting that vomit syrup in my food or something! Please,  _ please _ you gotta believe me! I think she killed my dad and is making me sick!”

“Why would she do that?” the doctor asked a little sternly.

How do you explain eighteen years of his mother controlling him in such a way that he always thought there was something wrong with him? To describe how he slowly started trashing his placebos and she was losing her grip on him, and now that he was eighteen - 

Fuck. That was it.

“She doesn’t want me to grow up,” he sobbed. “She - she’s gonna lose me when I go to college and she won’t let me go. She wouldn’t let me apply to any colleges out of state and - and now that I’m eighteen, she knows there’s nothing else she can do. I promise, doc, I’m not lying, she was looking at my arm for days and acting like it was fine! Look at my record, she would bring me in for scraping me knee for fucks sake! She wouldn’t let this go too long if she wasn’t trying to do something crazy like - ” He gestured feebly at his shoulder, sobbing again, still trying to process what he was seeing - or  _ not _ seeing there.

The medical professionals started talking to each other quietly while Eddie leaned forward and continued to cry into his knees. His mother always tried to make him feel weak, pathetic, fragile. This certainly proved her point, even if it was from her own doing. This was finally something Eddie could never recover from, something very clearly and visibly  _ wrong _ with him now. 

Knowing he needed as much help as he could get, Eddie took a deep gasping breath again, swinging his legs over the bed, completely unbalanced from his missing appendage. The nurse hurried over to help get him back in the bed.

“I need to make a phone call!” he told her.

“We have a payphone,” the doctor said. “It’s downstairs. You’ll need to wheel your IV down with you, we can get someone to escort you - ”

“I’m fine,” Eddie said, his legs wobbly as he got up, the nurse helping him balance and lean more towards his left, where he had an arm to catch if he fell.

It was the most bizarre feeling, and the only thing Eddie possibly had to compare it to was getting a haircut after a long winter, expecting to  _ feel _ something there that wasn’t. People were giving him strange, pitiful looks in the hallways and it did nothing but make Eddie want to cry more or rage and break something. Unsteady on his feet, he rode the elevator a couple of floors down and made his way to the nearest payphone with some change the nurse had given him upstairs. 

Over and over, in spans of seconds, Eddie was forgetting he didn’t have an arm anymore and was so sure he felt it reacting to his wishes at his side every time he willed the emptiness to move. Each time it made him sob again, endless tears cascading down his hot, burning cheeks. 

Cradling the phone in his neck, he shoved the quarters in and dialed Richie’s house number, praying to some kind of god someone would answer.

“Tozier residence.”

“Ma - Maggie?”

“Eddie? Oh my god, Eddie are you ok?”

“No,” he sputtered, spit from his excessive crying sputtering down his chin. “I need Richie. I need to talk to Richie, please Maggie.”

“Eddie, are you in danger? Where are you?”

He hiccuped before he could answer and faintly heard her calling Richie’s name loudly on the other line. He wasn’t even sure if he could answer, how he was even going to  _ explain this  _ to Richie when he answered the phone.

“Eds?”

Eddie practically gasped at the sound of his voice, such a welcoming thing in this nightmare, filled with concern and sincerity.

“‘Chee,” he wept quietly. “You were right. She - Richie she’s been making me sick. Richie, I don’t know what to do.”

“Holy shit. Holy shit, ok, Eddie love, can you try to breathe for me?”

“No. I wanna go home. I wanna go home to you.” His voice was so small and breathy he didn’t know how Richie managed to understand him. 

“Sweetheart, I need you to try to take a deep breath ok?” He paused, waiting to hear Eddie take in a shaky breath once, then twice, then a third time. “Eddie, are you home?”

“I’m - I’m inside the hospital.”

“What - the hospital? Who took you there?”

“ _ Richie _ ,” Eddie cried again, his entire body shaking as it tried to break down and crumble to nothing. “She did something - she - she - Richie, my arm. My arm is gone.”

“Wha - what - what do you mean your  _ arm is gone _ ?”

Sobbing again, unable to get the words out, Eddie inhaled sharply, resting his forehead on the cold glass of the phone booth. He could faintly hear Richie saying something to his dad, and Wentworth shouting something intelligible.

“They - they took my arm. It was - it was all infected, and they said they had to remove it. The whole thing. All the way up to my shoulder.”

“Jesus. Jesus fucking Christ. Eddie, we’re on our way, ok? Where’s your mom?”

“I don’t know,” Eddie said truthfully, sniffling as he felt a wad of snot coming down his face. “I don’t think she’s at the hospital. Richie, I’m so scared. I don’t know what to do.”

A couple of seconds of silence went by before Eddie heard Wentworth on the phone.

“Eddie? Eddie, hang tight, we’re - we’re going to be right there, ok?”

“Richie’s coming?” 

“Honest to god, Eddie, I - I don’t know, he just ran out the door. But I’m sure he’s going to meet us there, ok?”

Eddie sobbed again, thinking he went to wipe his face with the wrong arm and then sobbing again harder. “Ok,” was all he managed to sputter out before he had to hang up. His legs finally gave out and he slid down to the floor, leaning against his IV stand. 

His family was going to be here soon - his  _ real  _ family. Maggie, Wentworth, Richie, and Nel, the people that accepted Eddie for who he really was. They knew about Richie’s feelings for Eddie for years and did nothing but welcome Eddie with open arms when they had finally started dating. To be loved so unconditionally and freely, well… that was just something Eddie was hardly able to handle. Sonia Kaspbrak only knew a love that had to be proven with obedience. She never would have been able to accept Eddie for what he was.

His crying stopped so short that Eddie could hear his ears buzzing madly. 

The letter.

When Eddie had woken up the morning after Richie left food at his window, he had fallen asleep with a little letter in his hand, a shameless love note from Richie. It had not been in Eddie’s hand when he had woken up. Shit. Shit.  _ Shit. _ How the hell could he have forgotten? Was this the reason Eddie received this sick, twisted punishment? 

Where the hell was his mother? She should have been here screaming at doctors about Eddie’s medical condition, and yet she was nowhere to be found. Had she gone home? What sinister intentions did she have for him, now that she had done this horrible thing to his body?

What if Richie was going to try and find out right  _ now _ ?

Eddie managed to stand himself up again on his own, hurrying as fast as he could to the elevator again. He had to get his clothes. He had to see his mother before Richie did because Eddie couldn’t even think about what could happen with the two of them  _ alone _ , both knowing something about the other. 

“I need to go home,” he told a nurse. “I need help with my clothes and I need to go home.”

“It’s against the doctor’s orders for you to go home right now,” the nurse said, giving Eddie a smile that made him want to punch her.

“Listen, you don’t understand. I  _ need _ to go home, I’ll come back here, I don’t give a shit, but if I don’t make it there soon something terrible might happen! Please!”

“Uh,” was all the nurse was able to get out before Eddie realized that he had a beacon of hope somewhere else in this hospital. He took off towards the emergency psych ward, ripping his IV out of his arm and clutching his arm around his waist as a means to feel more balanced. Once he found the right area, he ran up to the nursing station.

“Excuse me,” he said. “Is Beverly Marsh volunteering today?”

“Who are you?” one of the receptionists asked, looking at him quizzically. 

“I’m her cousin,” Eddie lied. “We have an important family issue and I need to see her.”

He gave Eddie a suspicious look but paged Beverly up to the desk where Eddie waited a little impatiently. After what seemed like forever, a bob of red hair came around the corner, the smile on her face faltering immediately and turning to shock.

“Eddie!” she screeched, reaching out for his side where his arm was missing. “What - Eddie, what the  _ hell _ ? Am I fucking dreaming?”

“Bev, you need to take me home,” Eddie begged, trying to clutch onto her with his other arm. “Please, I’ll explain the best I can on the way, but I need to go!”

Without hesitation, Beverly put her arm around Eddie’s waist and helped get him back to the elevator, hitting the garage button the second they got in. Eddie tried to tell her what he could without breaking down again, starting to feel real pain in his shoulder now, and he realized ripping the IV out meant he no longer had painkillers coursing through his body. This was going to be a long, rough trip.

“I don’t understand,” Beverly was saying in the car, definitely going at least 20 over the limit. “Why would he go to your house?”

“Don’t you think he would? Wentworth said he just  _ bolted _ the fucking house!”

“Eddie, is your arm ok?” she asked, eyeing him with concern between glances. “Or - lack thereof? Oh, Jesus, I’m so fucking sorry!”

“It feels like a giant ass papercut,” Eddie moaned, wincing as he thought about the pulsating pain. “Like if somehow you sliced a six-inch thick papercut into your shoul...der.”

The front door to his house was open. Richie’s old car, all smashed to bits in the front where Beverly had previously rammed it into Sonia’s not too long ago, was parked diagonally and through the sidewalk in front of the house.

“Oh, shit,” Beverly muttered, trying to stop the car as close to the house as possible. “Hold on, let me help you out.”

Eddie could not wait, twisting in his seat to get the door open with his left hand, fumbling with his seatbelt and running out towards his home. Halfway there, he could already hear shouting and his heart started pounding in his ears as he stumbled up the steps of his porch. The sound was close, coming from the living room, and Eddie turned the corner to something he just couldn’t have prepared himself for.

“ -  _ should’ve killed you years ago you fucking cunt! _ ” Richie was shouting, a hand around Sonia’s throat where he was straddling her on the floor, his other arm raised above her where he was holding his pocket knife.

“RICHIE!”

Both Richie and Sonia’s heads snapped towards him and Eddie saw Richie’s face contort with an impossible amount of emotions in such a small span of time. Anger. Grief. Regret. Disbelief. All of it was clearly flooding through him as he sat there with shaking arms.

“Eds,” he sobbed, looking over at him. “Your arm - I can’t - ” his face burned red, his lips twisting up into a snarl as he glared back at Sonia. “ _ Look what you did to him you fucking psycho! _ ”

Sonia had been gasping, unable to speak comprehensively with Richie’s grip on her throat. Eddie tentatively took a step forward, raising his arm up placidly. 

“Richie, stop, STOP!”

Immediately, Richie’s hand flew off her throat, Sonia now taking in gulps of air, looking over at Eddie with tears in her eyes, as if she had the  _ right _ .

“ _ Eddie, _ get this  _ beast _ off of me!”

“Why?” Eddie said, his voice shaky as he stared down at her. “Why did you fucking do this? What the  _ hell _ is wrong with you?”

“Eddie - ”

“ _ If you don’t answer I’ll let him fucking gut you! _ ” Eddie shouted at her, hating for how weak he looked by sobbing immediately after, hating how much he  _ hated _ to hate her. Richie looked torn with concern to run to Eddie or stay where he sat, keeping Sonia still.

“Eddie, please - ”

“Did you kill dad?”

Her mouth hung open like a trout, staring up at him incredulously. She didn’t seem shocked or surprised by the accusation. She looked  _ caught _ . But she still continued to lay her guilt trips on him.

“How could you  _ say that _ , Eddie-bear?”

“You did it,” Eddie cried, tears coming back and stinging the raw skin of his cheeks. “You fucking did it. Why - why are you making me sick, ma?  _ Please! _ Just please fucking answer me and  _ stop lying! _ ”

Richie was breathing heavily where he sat, his arm still hung up above him as if ready to strike if need be. It was probably the only thing keeping Sonia from lashing out, so Eddie kept his mouth shut about it.

“He was going to  _ leave me _ !” Sonia spat, all traces of her sadness gone, clearly breaking out of her woe-is-me act to be properly pissed off at whatever it was that had been fueling her to do such things. “You were going to leave me, too, Eddie! Do you think I’m  _ stupid _ ? Do you think I didn’t notice when you started sneaking out all the time? Going off into the night with this - this piece of filth?”

“When?” Eddie demanded. “When did you find out?”

Sonia scoffed as if she were in any position to do so. “Joyce from the church saw you two at the Aladdin; thinking you were being sneaky, holding hands in the theater seats with - with your  _ legs on his lap _ .”

Back in March… that was Richie’s birthday. Eddie had started getting sick just after that, not long after he had started track. She had known all this time and damn well knew that Eddie had it in him now to fight back if she said a word about it, so she did this sneaky bullshit instead. Thinking back, Eddie could see how he was always getting sick around the times he made phone calls to Richie and made plans to see him. And then, after Eddie had fallen asleep with the note in his hands…

Everything she ever did was never to protect him. It was all a ruse to keep him in control. A good mother doesn’t make her son sick. A good mother would love her son no matter who  _ he  _ loved. Her twisted, sick idea of love was going to kill him if he didn’t put a stop to this now.

The worst part, Eddie realized, was that as much as he hated her, he still fucking loved her.

“Rich,” he said softly. “Put the knife down.”

Richie’s face twisted, shaking his head as he pointed the knife threateningly down at Eddie’s mother. “I can’t - Eddie, I can’t let her hurt you again.”

“Richie,” Eddie pleaded, taking a step closer. “Please. There’s nothing we can do. You can’t do this. I know you can’t. You’re not a monster like she is. We can let her go to jail, just - please  _ come back to me _ , Richie!”

A shiny streak ran down Richie’s cheek, and Eddie realized he had started to cry. “I can’t - I don’t want her to kill you, Eddie.”

“She won’t,” Eddie continued. “We won’t let her. Beverly is outside. She can take us to the hospital. We’ll call the police.”

“Eddie!” Sonia cried, her crocodile tears back at work. “You can’t do this, you’re  _ mine _ , Eddie!”

“Shut up!” Eddie snapped, feeling his own tears coming back. “Do not - do not fucking come near me again! Do you hear me? I - am - fucking - LEAVING!”

He didn’t realize Richie had gotten up until he was there by his side, wrapping him up in his large, warm arms. Comforting Eddie, making sure he was ok, was more important than revenge. The cold handle of the knife hilt was pressing against Eddie’s back where Richie’s hand was, the other rubbing his back soothingly. 

“Eddie, please,” Sonia continued crying. “I don’t have your father anymore. I need you, Eddie! Please don’t leave me!”

“C’mon,” Richie said softly. “We need to get you back to the hospital.”

“You’ll never get away with this!” Sonia spat from where she was still on the floor. “I’ll have bruises on my neck! You hear me? They’ll know what you did to me, you filthy faggot!”

By some miracle, Richie Tozier kept his mouth shut, gently guiding Eddie out of the house. Beverly was outside her car, concern in her eyes, hands shaking as she took a drag from her cigarette.

“Everyone alive?” she asked, eyeing the knife still in Richie’s hand.

“Unfortunately,” Richie said ruefully, helping Eddie get into the backseat. “Let’s take him back before his shoulder gets worse.”

Eddie couldn’t bring himself to speak during the car ride. He simply let himself fall into Richie’s lap, relishing in that wonderful way Richie held him to make him feel warm and safe. The only thing keeping his exhausted, spent body from passing out was the searing pain now from the wound in his shoulder. Every time he thought about it, tears would threaten to spill, but he was pretty sure his body had all dried out.

_ I don’t have your father anymore _ . Eddie squirmed uncomfortably at his mother’s words echoing in his head. All of her strange and inappropriate behaviors being a result of her loneliness stirred an unpleasant combination of pity and disgust. As Eddie got older, his mother found some way to justify replacing her motherly affections with  _ wifely _ ones, forcing Eddie to wonder how sick she would have eventually made him to take advantage of him like  _ that _ . It repulsed him to a shudder wondering if, had his luck been different, had his brain not been right, he would have ended up  _ with  _ his mother, whether metaphorically or… literally. 

Somewhere out there was a world he stayed with her until her very end, a world where he latched onto someone exactly like her, or maybe a world where he did not survive. In a universe of possibilities, he counted himself lucky all he lost was his arm. 

The car eventually stopped, both Richie and Beverly’s whispers now deafened as they looked at Eddie expectedly. He was terrified of going back up to the hospital and further facing the reality of the situation. All the events in his house with his mother seemed like a faraway dream.

“What’s going to happen to me?” he heard himself say, voice gravelly and dry. 

“Nothings going to happen  _ to you _ , Eddie,” Beverly whispered, her eyes darting to his bandages and filling with tears. Reality slowly started to hit her, too.

“But we have to get you back to a doctor,” Richie finished for her, his voice immensely soft and making Eddie further feel like what had happened wasn’t real, like some sort of demon had possessed Richie in the house. “C’mon, Eds. You’re in pain.”

Desperation won over Eddie’s stubbornness, and he allowed Richie and Beverly to carefully pull him from the car and back up to the hospital.

“They didn’t even check you out,” Beverly whispered, running to them in the lobby over from the reception desk. “Dr. Tozier apparently vouched you’d be right back.”

“Atta boy, dad,” said Richie, helping Eddie walk towards the elevator. 

Antibiotics and painkillers were soon flowing right back through Eddie’s veins and he felt himself slipping into more restless sleep. Hospitals always brought him nightmares, and this visit was no different. Haunted by visions of giant spiders and evil creatures, he eventually woke in a fit, feeling Richie immediately by his bedside.

“Hey, it’s ok,” he whispered, pulling Eddie’s face towards him. “I’m here, Eds.”

Richie sat on the left side of the bed, trying to keep Eddie distracted from his injury. It helped a slight degree, but Eddie practically burst into tears any time someone had to change his bandages or check his IV. Worried that he wouldn’t be able to handle sensitive conversations, Eddie signed Wentworth over as his health care proxy, trusting him to do what was right with his care.

“You may have yourself a case, Eddie,” Wentworth was telling him, sitting beside Richie later in the evening. “There were high levels of cadmium in your system…  _ mold _ , of all things. Your lungs and kidneys are pretty damaged, but nothing that a little treatment can’t help after a while.”

“They gonna grow me a new arm, too?” Eddie muttered.

Wentworth sighed, looking over at Eddie sadly. “No, but… from what they did save of your arm, I’m pretty sure they can tell it was…  _ inflicted _ damage. Not just a normal spider bite. Like, as if someone had injected the venom in there themselves and kept it from healing.”

“Where is she?” Richie asked, looking down at the bed. Eddie could see the hatred in his eyes, something that didn’t suit him. 

“I have no idea,” Wentworth scoffed. “Not home, though.”

“She’s probably with her sisters,” Eddie told them. “My aunts Shirley and Susan are just as crazy as she is. Are they going to look into the stuff with me dad?”

Wentworth looked up meaningfully, and Eddie turned his head to see that Maggie was in the room, sitting quietly at Eddie’s other side.

“Thankfully there’s no statute of limitations on murder,” Maggie said softly. “But it might be a hard case to follow through if the only witness was a five-year-old boy…”

“Can’t… can’t the doctors that were involved testify? Or his sister?”

“It’s complicated, Eddie,” Wentworth said, rubbing the bridge of his nose under the frames of his glasses. “I think it’s best we focus on everything going on with you. Court can take a very long time.”

“We start college in a few months!” Eddie cried.

“Hey,” Richie interrupted, putting a hand on Eddie’s chest. “Take it easy, sweetheart. Your monitor is going berserk.”

“I don’t care!” Eddie protested. “I can’t - I can’t let her ruin everything good in my life. I just want this to be over.”

“What, like drop the charges?” Wentworth asked seriously. “Eddie, this is potentially an attempted murder case.”

“I don’t even want to waste any more of my time with this,” Eddie said pathetically. “I already have -  _ this _ ,” he gestured to the stub of his shoulder, “ - already fucking ruining my life.”

“It’s not ruined, Eds,” Richie mumbled sadly, not convincing Eddie. “I’m going to help with whatever I can - ”

“You shouldn’t have to. It’s bullshit.”

“Listen,” Wentworth sighed. “There is time for you to contemplate this Eddie. Try to focus on your schoolwork for now, ok? Mags, you want to grab some food?”

“Sure,” she said from beside Eddie. “You boys want anything?”

Eddie shook his head, not having had an appetite whatsoever. They left Eddie and Richie alone, waiting for Beverly to come down from her shift and Richie rested his chin on the palm of his hand, looking down at Eddie sadly.

“Please don’t look at me like that,” Eddie whispered, feeling ready to cry again.

“Are you really going to let her get away with this, Eds?” 

“I don’t know, I - I just don’t want to deal with it anymore. I’m fucking  _ tired _ , Richie. I’m so done with all of this.”

“But if you don’t take her to trial - ”

“Then what, Rich? I don’t want to think about how I can hurt her back. I don’t… I don’t ever want to see you like that again,” he croaked, watching the shame and regret in Richie’s eyes as he felt his own tears finally begin to stream down his face. “That person - that wasn’t you, Richie. It’s not either of us. That was worse than the person I saw you become in the sewers. I don’t want to see it in court. She brought out something in you I never want to see again.”

Richie opened his mouth, but his eyes shot to the door just as they heard a soft knock. Eddie turned to see Beverly standing there, holding a couple of books in her arms. She moved swiftly into the room and sat beside Eddie where Maggie had just been a few minutes before.

“Mike and Ben dropped these off,” she said, placing the books on the bed beside Eddie. “You know, for when you’re too frustrated to do your homework.”

“Are they mad?” Eddie asked cautiously. He had forbidden any of the other Losers from coming up to see him directly, feeling embarrassed by both his physical and mental state.

“No, just very worried,” Bev sighed. “Bill offered to help with your schoolwork. I’d say take it, he has the best handwriting out of all of us.”

Eddie groaned, thinking about how much work he was falling behind on. It was a miracle he was still on board to graduate, likely because of his near 4.0 from the rest of his school year. Richie took his hand and looked up at Bev expectedly.

“Bev,” he said. “Eddie is having a very stupid thought process right now.”

“It’s not stupid,” Eddie grumbled.

“What do you mean?” Beverly asked, frowning.

“I don’t know if I want to take my mom to court over this,” Eddie explained, keeping his eyes down. 

“So what’s the issue?”

They both looked up at her in surprise.

“What’s the issue?” Richie repeated. “Bev, she - she nearly fucking killed him!”

“Yeah _ , him _ ,” she said very seriously. “Then that’s his decision, isn’t it? Richie, don’t push this.”

“Are you serious, Bev?”

Ignoring Richie, Beverly leaned closer to Eddie, placing her hand on the bed where it would likely be resting on his arm had it not been removed. “Eddie, look at me. I do not regret my decision to leave my father behind me. My aunt took me straight in and I didn’t want to spend months sitting in front of strangers telling my story and fighting to put him away. If you want to move on with your life and leave her behind, that is  _ your _ decision and no one can take that away from you. Even people you love who have the best intentions,” she added, glancing over at Richie. “No one will know how it feels except for you. So you have to do what makes it right for  _ you _ .”

Richie looked away sheepishly, but Eddie kept his eyes locked on Beverly. Despite her cool, green eyes, she always looked at people with a burning fire in her gaze and it was hard to look away. 

It wasn’t long after Pennywise was defeated when all the Losers gathered together and mulled over their futures. They opened up to each other on a level so vulnerable and freeing, equal parts terrifying and safe. Destroying a multidimensional space creature was probably a stronger bonding experience than most traumas, but Eddie could never forget what Beverly had told them about her father, the reason he was going away and she would be living with her aunt. They had left that day unspoken since it happened, but none of them could forget. As selfish as Eddie felt thinking it, it was a comfort knowing she felt the same way he did and didn’t have to feel guilty for his decision. 

“Thanks, Bevvie,” he replied softly.

Whether or not Sonia attempted to visit him, Eddie could not say. The Tozier’s were given some instructions on how to help Eddie with the bandages, which medications to take and when. Bill had orchestrated what he had called “Operation GETOOSH” or “Get Eddie’s Things Out of Sonia’s House.” By the time he was ready to go home to the Tozier’s, his friends had gone through the trouble of breaking in through his bedroom window and raiding some of his most important things and left them in Richie’s room.

Stepping past the threshold of the front door, Maggie had greeted them and gave Eddie a warm hug.

“Welcome home, Eddie,” she said, causing him to break down crying again and not let go of her for a solid ten minutes.

Once he got up to Richie’s room (“ _ Our  _ room, Eds,” he reminded Eddie), he realized he’d have to start changing out of his clothes. It was embarrassing asking Richie for help, attempting to do so on his own only to give up and ask Richie to come over with tears in his eyes.

“Stop apologizing, Eddie,” Richie said softly, lifting the shirt over his head. It briefly brushed his bandages and made Eddie shiver. “You’ll get the hang of it in no time. You’ll be a one-armed pro. Maybe when I’m rich, I’ll buy you a bionic robot arm.”

Timing wasn’t one of Richie’s comedic strengths, and it was made apparent by Eddie beginning to quietly sob again. 

With just a few weeks left of school, Eddie knew his time was running short. Stanley had spoken to one of his uncles about a small rent-controlled apartment they could move into as soon as they wanted. Not wanting to waste any more time, and with Richie’s parents wanting to move to Boston after Nel graduated the following year anyway, the trio planned on driving straight to New York the weekend after graduation.

One day, close to their move, Eddie waited for a day when he and Richie could be home alone. It wasn’t that he didn’t trust Richie’s parents, but he felt this would be a very private moment and didn’t want anyone else around for it.

“Rich, I’m going to use the phone,” Eddie told him after Richie cleared their plates from lunch.

“Who do you need to call?” Richie asked, eyeing Eddie suspiciously.

“I - I’m going to call my mom.”

The dishes fell into the sink with a loud clatter and Eddie could see Richie’s back tensing. He got up, a bit unsteadily, his balance still in shambles while getting used to the weight difference between the two sides of his body. It sent a sharp pang in his chest, not being able to wrap himself around Richie completely, tentatively reaching his left arm out to tug on Richie’s shirt to turn him around and face Eddie. At least Richie still had both arms to pull Eddie close.

“Are you sure that’s a good idea, sweetheart?”

“I just - I just want to make sure she doesn’t do anything like, show up at graduation or anything.”

“You said you didn’t want to walk graduation,” Richie reminded him. Eddie had no interest in attempting to take his fake diploma and shake their principals hand on stage while the rest of their school muttered jokes in the crowd, knowing he’d probably make a fool of himself and drop something or slip on stage.

“I still don’t want her to show up and harass the rest of the Losers,” Eddie pointed out, sighing as Richie brushed his bangs back and kissed his forehead. “Please, Rich? I need to do this.”

“You want me with you?”

Eddie nodded, and Richie helped bring him into the den to the phone, sitting beside him on the couch. He couldn’t take Eddie’s other hand while he called, another painful blow to the chest as Eddie realized this, but he left one of his hands on Eddie’s back, stroking him soothingly.

“Do you need help dialing?” he asked into Eddie’s shoulder.

“No, I got it,” Eddie mumbled, feeling pathetic now as he dialed clumsily while holding the handset before putting it up to his ear.

It rang twice before one of his aunts picked up.

“Hello?”

“Aunt Susan, it’s Eddie. Put my mom on.”

“Edward!” she gasped. “You listen here young - ”

“Sue, I swear to god if you don’t put my mom on the  _ fucking phone _ , I will send the cops over to arrest her.”

She sputtered on the phone for a moment before he heard her clamoring in the background. Richie squeezed Eddie’s shoulder, a gentle reminder he was there. 

“I’m fine,” he assured him, but it was a damn lie the second he heard his mother’s voice on the other line.

“Eddie - ”

“Stop talking or I’m immediately going to hang up.”

“Ed - ”

“ _ Did I fucking stutter _ ?” Silence. “I’m not pressing charges.”

Richie’s face snapped up to look at him incredulously, angrily, but Eddie gave him a stern look to keep quiet.

“Do you know why I’m not going to press charges? Because that would be too  _ kind _ . You don’t even deserve the pleasure of rotting in an empty jail cell getting free meals. I want you stuck in that house with all the memories of me haunting you for the rest of your life. I’m never going to see you again. If you so much as come  _ near  _ me, if I so much as  _ see _ you before I leave Derry,” he lowered his voice to a harsh whisper. “You are  _ dead _ . Do you fucking understand me? I will end your miserable fucking life for you. You are going to spend the rest of your time before my graduation hiding at your sister’s house, then I don’t give a fuck what you do. Dad deserved better than you. You deserve to rot alone in your fucking armchair in front of the TV thinking about me every second until you die. Goodbye, Sonia.”

He hung up the phone, letting out the sob that had been threatening to escape him as he spoke. Like always, Richie was there, reaching out tentatively until Eddie threw himself clumsily over into him. Everything he said immediately felt wrong and ineffective, like it would be lost in a void he couldn’t get back. He had spent so much time thinking about what to say and couldn’t even get it out eloquently, sputtering out in emotional rage instead. It didn’t have a final, satisfying blow, but Eddie supposed maybe these things never were; he’d have to let it dully fade out of existence.

“You finally did it, Eds,” Richie said, rubbing his back. “You have me at a loss for words.”

“I don’t think there’s anything you can say to adequately improve the mood,” Eddie sniffled, sitting up a little. “No offense, Rich.”

“None taken,” he said, smiling sadly at him. “I think this is one of those things you just gotta…”

“Let pass,” Eddie finished for him. “I know that’s the only way I can move on. I can’t… I can’t sit around wondering if or when she’d get out of jail and… I don’t want to put any more energy into this. If I press the charges, I’ll be stuck here for months and… and I stupid?” he asked abruptly, looking up at Richie.

“A little, but for unrelated reasons.”

“Gee, thanks,” Eddie snorted.

“No, you’re not stupid, Eds. I know I acted crazy at your house,” Richie said, looking a bit embarrassed. “But I’ve never really been a big fan of punishment for the sake of punishment. Unless it’s to stop someone from hurting anyone else…”

“And I know that’s why you were feeling like that, Rich,” Eddie assured him. “I know you just wanted to protect me. But you’re right. There’s no one else she’s going to hurt anymore but herself.”

They sat in silent contemplation for a few moments while Eddie tried to allow his thoughts to wash away slowly. He thought about his dad and what his mother had said before he left her house for the last time, how he was going to leave. 

Eddie wondered if he’d have the same friends or would have gone on the same path if his dad had succeeded in leaving Sonia. He doubts it very much, feeling as if a life with his father would have only steered him from the kind of happiness he felt now. Knowing next to nothing about his dad, he very well could have left both of them altogether and stranded Eddie just as he was all these years alone with her. It did no good to dwell on the past, he realized, and eventually Richie leaned down and pressed a kiss to his temple.

“Bedroom?” Richie asked softly. Eddie nodded, allowing Richie to lead him back up the stairs in the empty house. 

Most of Richie’s belongings were packed now, but he had only been working on the things he was leaving behind. It made the space seem so much bigger, which helped Eddie ease into the fact that he was staying here now, feeling like a burden constantly to both Richie and his family. He sat on the edge of Richie’s bed, thankful he wasn’t feeling the need to cry as badly as he was when they were downstairs.

Richie sat cross-legged on the floor by the closet, going through various comic books and trying to organize them for storage. It wasn’t something he really needed to do, but Eddie appreciated knowing that Richie was doing this to keep himself busy without being out of reach if Eddie needed him. Eddie had kept telling Richie to leave him be until he felt like he wanted to actually talk. He could tell even now that Richie wasn’t paying attention to what he was looking at, just throwing the books aimlessly into piles that would later get shoved into the same box and placed in the Tozer’s attic. 

“I don’t think I can even thank you enough for everything you’re doing, Richie.”.

“Thank me?” Richie scoffed. “Eddie, there’s nothing to thank me for.” 

“You’re going to get sick of me, you know,” Eddie said softly, smiling over at him sadly.

Richie looked up at him earnestly, not saying anything for a moment. He threw down the book in his hand and crawled over to where Eddie sat on the low-raised bed, tucking himself between his legs to wrap his arms around Eddie’s waist.

“Why would you say something so stupid?”

Eddie reached down, fixing Richie’s glasses that sat just ever so crooked. “I always knew it would happen eventually. Now that I’m all deformed it’s gonna get here a little faster than I expected.”

“Cut it out,” Richie said, no trace of playfulness there. “Eddie, that’s not going to happen. You’re not - ”

“You have an amputee fetish I don’t know about?” Eddie laughed humorlessly.

Richie frowned, leaning forward to nuzzle his head into Eddie’s chest and squeezing his arms around him. “Eddie, I don’t… I don’t know how I can possibly explain to you how wrong you are. You are absolutely everything to me.”

“It’s not that you don’t make me feel that way,” Eddie explained. “I know you love me. It’s just… I can’t see how this will be satisfying enough for you. Or how you can look at me the same without being grossed out.” Richie lifted his head up, looking at Eddie expectedly, so Eddie continued. “I feel loved, Richie. I really do. But that’s… not the same as feeling… wanted. I know it’s not important, it’s just…”

“Of course I want you,” Richie murmured. 

Eddie looked at him as firmly as he could, not completely sure if he was ready for what he was about to ask. “Can you show me?”

“Are you sure?”

Eddie nodded, leaning down to cup Richie’s face with his hand under his chin and kiss him properly for the first time since before he had landed in the hospital. His body so badly wanted to reach out and wrap around him, his shoulder just  _ itching _ to stretch out his missing arm and pull Richie as close as possible. He felt Richie’s hands ride up under the hem of his shirt, sending shivers down Eddie’s spine at the touch of his fingertips along his waist, up his ribs, until he was helping pull the shirt over his head.

A blush crept along Eddie’s face at his exposed scars, wishing that Richie would look away and keep his focus on anywhere else. He started to slowly lean back as Richie crawled over him, kissing up his torso and making his way towards his shoulder. A little whimper escaped Eddie as he felt him moving along the sensitive tissue.

His body tensed and relaxed as he felt Richie unhesitantly moving his mouth over his skin until his lips met the base of Eddie’s throat. Eddie was used to things being playful with Richie and it was taking him off guard in his sensual and intimate moment. They took their time undressing, Richie moving along his entire body and savoring each inch of him, and Eddie felt the skin of his thighs burning against Richie’s palms as he finally slid Eddie’s boxers off slowly and purposefully.

“What are you doing?” Eddie asked as Richie was pulling him up.

“Why don’t you get in my lap?” Richie offered, sitting back against the headrest while he guided Eddie over him. 

“I don’t - Rich, my balance is so fucked up now.”

“I gotcha, Eds,” Richie whispered, kissing along his collar bone.

He held Eddie up slightly, the feeling warm and welcome. Eddie couldn't help but already start shifting his hips up and down to get Richie deeper, feeling his grin against his chest.

“Easy, tiger. Let me get you ready first.”

Eddie whimpered in return, tugging Richie’s hair and clumsily falling forward slightly. The lube was running down his thighs by the time Richie was done, helping lower Eddie down onto him.

“Don’t let me fall and embarrass myself, please,” Eddie mumbled, gasping when he lowered himself down a few more inches. Richie kept his hands firm as they trailed up and down Eddie’s sides, just racking his eyes all over Eddie’s body while he moved his hips slowly. It was frustrating, feeling unable to concentrate on what they were doing and only on trying not to fall over.

Richie leaned up for Eddie to better wrap his arm around Richie’s shoulders. “Better?”

“Uh huh,” Eddie sighed, feeling himself sink further into Richie’s lap and trying to let himself get lost in the feelings inside of him. 

“I love you so much,” Richie whispered against his skin, nibbling at his neck and squeezing Eddie’s sides. “You are so fucking sexy.”

“You don’t have to butter me up,” Eddie teased, but feeling elation in his chest. “I’m already fucking you.”

“I mean it,” Richie breathed, looking up and catching Eddie’s gaze. “You are the most beautiful thing in the world to me.”

The way his pupils were blown out, the sincerity in his voice and earnest expression sparked a passion within Eddie that had been buried far too long, reaching up to grip the back of Richie’s hair tightly to kiss him intensely. There wasn’t any rhythm in his hips as he started fucking him harshly, licking into each other’s mouths and letting Richie paw at his back savagely enough to surely leave marks. Eddie kept using his grip in Richie’s hair as leverage, moaning into his mouth and starting to finally lose himself to pleasure.

_ This _ was the feeling he was missing. Because it was wonderful to be loved and cherished and taken care of, but to be  _ desired _ like this was something Eddie craved and couldn’t get enough of, and he had feared it from the first day at the hospital, hell, the first day he knew he loved Richie. He had no doubt in his mind now that Richie was still just as enraptured with him as he always had been. 

One of Richie’s hands found their way down to grip Eddie’s waist and try to match his irregular rhythm, thrusting up into him with vigor. It was easy to forget that they weren’t the only ones in the world and Richie was still looking at Eddie with that enamored look like he  _ was _ the whole world to Richie. His thumb pressed into the crook of skin under Eddie’s hip bone to feel his muscles taut and clenching, sensing the orgasm just about to roll through him as Eddie’s breath kept hitching and stuttering.

Eddie let himself fall over onto Richie's shoulder, biting into his skin while he felt the rush through his head, the tingles rushing up his spine, heat flushing through his body when he finally spilled onto Richie’s stomach. While his mind caught up, he laid his head down in the crook of Richie’s neck while Richie followed along shortly, squeezing Eddie’s hips tightly once he made it there.

They sat quietly in this moment of peace, letting their chests heave together while Richie ran his hands over Eddie’s sensitive skin, paying extra attention to the spot Eddie had been embarrassed about.

“How can you stand it?” he asked. “It’s so fucking hideous to look at.”

“Nothing about you is hideous,” Richie murmured into his skin. 

Still self-conscious, he couldn’t stop himself from burying his face further in Richie’s neck. “I can’t deal with you.”

He felt Richie gently push him up, forcing him to be face to face with him.

“Do I have any reason to lie to you, my love? Hey,” he said, taking Eddie’s chin before he could turn away again. “I am so, so proud of you, you know that? And I’m so goddamn lucky to be yours, Eds.”

Lip quivering, but eyes dry, Eddie could only bring himself to nod in fear that he’d break down again. Only Richie could make him feel like this, full and proud when things just seemed so empty and hopeless. 

“Who knew a stupid block of wood could have been the best gift I ever received?” Eddie laughed lightly.

Richie smiled up at him, stroking Eddie’s cheek with the back of his hand. “You gave me the best gift, too.”

“Really? I just got you an SNL history book…”

“Not that, silly. You.”

Eddie groaned while Richie grinned up at him. “God, I hate you.”

“No, you don’t,” Richie beamed.

Eddie sighed, deep and content, placing a kiss on Richie’s lips. “No, I don’t.”

The Nissan Sentra Stanley’s parents had gotten him for graduation was small, but they had limited their belongings enough to fit them mostly in the trunk and one of the back passengers' seats. Despite how much he had probably cried these past few months, Eddie was still a fit of waterworks saying goodbye to the Tozier’s and his friends. 

“We’ll make Thanksgiving our thing,” Bev was saying, squeezing Eddie tight. “Christmas can be for stupid family stuff, but every Thanksgiving, we have a Loser feast!”

“Don’t forget random road trips,” Eddie laughed, wiping tears from his cheeks before they fell to her shoulder.

After miles and hours of open road and endless pines, the sight of New York City soon came into view, small and unreal at such a distance. Eddie had gotten lost in one of the books Mike had given him before they left, realizing about halfway that he wasn’t even getting road sick. It was almost weird  _ not _ feeling ill now, and something heavy was weighted in his chest as he thought of his mother. The worst and most haunting thing he felt towards her, as faint as it may have been, was still love. It would probably always be there deep down, just as he’d always have the scars on his body now. 

“Hey,” Richie said from the front, breaking Eddie from his thoughts. “Still with us?”

“Yeah, sorry,” Eddie sighed, trying to smile at him. “Just trying to take all of this in.”

“Hold on,” Richie grinned, taking his seatbelt off and climbing over into the backseat. “I have an excellent idea.”

“Richie, what the fuck?” Stan shouted, avoiding Richie’s big foot kicking his face as he kept driving.

“See that bridge?” Richie asked, taking Eddie chin to make him look forward. “We’re gonna go windsurfing.”

“That - Richie, that’s not a thing,” Eddie argued as Richie took Eddie’s seatbelt off.

“Stan, we’re opening the sunroof.”

“You’re gonna get fucking decapitated,” Stan grumbled but did nothing further to protest.

“C’mon, Eds,” Richie said, half-standing to press the sunroof open, letting outside air flow into the small space of the car.

“Rich,” Eddie said with uncertainty.

“You trust me, Eds?” Richie’s voice was slightly altered from the noise of traffic filling the car from outside, but he held his hand out for Eddie to stand with him, offering a soft expression that Eddie just couldn’t resist.

So with that, he put down his book and took Richie’s hand.

Just as the car drove under the arched beams of the bridge, Richie helped ease Eddie out to look over the roof of the car. The breeze was warm and untamed, whipping Eddie’s hair back wildly. Richie squeezed himself up, keeping an arm around Eddie’s waist, leaning down to whisper in his ear so he could hear him against the wind.

“I gotcha, Eds.”

They’d grown up in the vast landscapes of Maine, surrounded by an open world of wilderness and endless sea of trees. Yet, standing here now, Eddie couldn’t bring himself to even want to blink as they drove onto the deck of the bridge, blue waters, and concrete jungle surrounding them. The city seemed so small and yet so large from here, buildings towering with opportunity and possibility. He was going to lose himself and find himself again here, a future all his own with this big, loving goofball by his side the whole way. 

A large, genuine smile spread on his face for the first time in weeks as Eddie lifted his arm up like he’d seen people do on rollercoasters, giggling at the feeling of Richie laughing against him. Even taking a glance down at Stan, he could see him shaking his head with a smirk up at them. As long as Eddie had this, these wonderful, loving people there to lift him up, he had all he needed now, letting everything else go and whip past him with the wind.

Richie planted a soft kiss on his temple as Eddie whooped, feeling his old life breeze by and stay behind him. Here, he’d be loved. Here, he’d be whole. 

Here, Eddie was free. 

**Author's Note:**

> I've used this idea before - where Sonia is responsible for Frank's death and she's actually just completely psychotic - and I loved writing it again. I do wish it was more fleshed out, but it was a struggle and I'm still pretty proud as it is. I hope you enjoyed!


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